The New Joke Thread

[Jason Flare]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!”, Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[D&D]

Originally Posted by twohapence

Rules for growing older.

1. Never pass a toilet
2. Never trust a fart
3. Never waste an erection.

4. Never mix sedatives and laxatives

[D&D]

CANNIBALS

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Shell project.

During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand is hesitantly raised

The leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

[D&D]

A circus owner runs an ad for a 'Lion Tamer Wanted' and two people show up.

One is a grizzly sailor in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect, naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet'

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to the old sailor and asks, "Can you top what you just saw in there?"

The tough old sailor replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

[Jason Flare]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Canada's McGill University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts
from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and it also prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing his invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and beat the **** out of him.

[Therapy]

I've always wondered about these ads. You've seen all the commercials.


But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?


I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.


The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She asked if she could help me.


I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist.


She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss,


I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.


I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes.


I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment.


I was wondering what you could give me for it?"


The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."


When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:


* 1/3 ownership in the store,


* a company pickup truck,


* a king size bed and


* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

[snort]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?

A: Because his &^$% got stuck in the chicken.

[Jason Flare]

Q.). Why did the libertarian cross the road?

A.) It's none of your business. Am I being detained?

[CarinaEnqvist11]

Loving this thread. LOL

[quandary]

Two old rangers, Joe and Pete were discussing their experiences in Africa.

Joe was describing how he heard a noise outside his tent one night and went out to investigate:

Said Pete "and what did you find?"
Joe " I stood up and there was a huge male lion a few feet away looking at me"
Pete "wow..scary stuff ..then what happened?"
Joe " it went ROAAAR!!"
Pete "...then what happened"
Joe "I shat myself !"
Pete "When? Before or after it roared?"

Joe "No man, now when I went "ROAAAR"

[LakeSuperior]

A blond frowning goes over to her boyfriend and says, “You have to help me with this puzzle, I can’t get one piece to fit.”
The boyfriend says, “What’s it supposed to be?”
“I think it’s supposed to be a tiger because there’s a tiger on the box.”
Boyfriend goes over and looks at the puzzle, “The puzzle is not doable, now get over here and put the cornflakes back in the box.”

[jeanathon]

Before you laugh too much this is my boat!
I was actually careening it, but the irony gave me a giggle.

[Cotemar]

This happens every time we get our sailboat fuel

[D&D]

This Aussie was sitting with the computer the other day drafting his will and called out to his wife...

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"

She shouted back...

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!!”

[svmariane]

So... Down at the pub the other evening, bunch of us quietly solving the world's problems over a pint, and some new guy comes in, orders up a glass and sits there minding his own sweet business.

Well George, he can't abide that and leaning forward calls out down the bar:

"Hey! Mister! You got a name?"

Guy says "Jon. Without the Aitch."

George says that's a funny way to spell John. Asks how that came about.

Guy says "Because when I was young, did something bad, I'd hide up in the attic. My Mom would always yell at me 'Jon! get the "H" out of there!' So I did."