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Old 23-06-2015, 20:22   #166
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Today I had to go to the hardware store.
As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your
"I'm Ready for Hillary" bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder."
She screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!


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Old 23-06-2015, 20:37   #167
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Give a man fire and he's warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.


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Old 23-06-2015, 21:03   #168
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by snort View Post
A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!" The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so." The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! So he says "OK I'll be back." He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream. He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" "Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "OH NO, that's just ice cream!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...Si-yCV-gQ4#t=0
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Old 23-06-2015, 21:32   #169
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Whoa! That chimp can tell a joke!
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Old 24-06-2015, 06:56   #170
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Follow the link or not - completely up to you....



5 Best Jewish Jokes Ever ..... *Lawrence Rifkin

This is one of my favourite Jewish jokes. I came across it in one Sigmund Freud's books, maybe "the Psychopathology of Everyday Life". I don't remember.

A Jewish tailor goes to pray in the Prague synagogue. After a while the whole building begins to shake and it fills with a hideous shrieking noise and a foul sulphurous stench. The tailor pays no heed and continues with his prayers. The noise and stench intensifies, cracks appear in the walls and floor and then a fearful demon appears belching fire and smoke. The tailor gives the demon an irritated look and continues with his prayers.

The demon draws himself to his full height and bellows at the tailor:
"You miserable little man, do you not know who I am?"
The tailor snarls back at him
"Of course I know who you are, I've been married to your sister for 30 years"


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Old 24-06-2015, 07:38   #171
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My cousin, in his early 60's began dating a fairly wealthy women.

He came to me for advice wondering if it was OK to ask for money on the third date!
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Old 24-06-2015, 13:51   #172
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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My cousin, in his early 60's began dating a fairly wealthy women.

He came to me for advice wondering if it was OK to ask for money on the third date!

"Those who marry for money earn every penny of it" Oscar Wilde.


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Old 24-06-2015, 14:15   #173
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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"Those who marry for money earn every penny of it" Oscar Wilde.


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Recent quote from Steve Martin.....

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
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Old 24-06-2015, 17:04   #174
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Some people claim that money can't buy happiness, but I disagree. Money can buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen anyone unhappy on a jet ski? That sure looks like someone just bought happiness in the form of a jet ski.
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Old 24-06-2015, 17:14   #175
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The only place I ever wanna see a jet ski is in the telescopic site on my hunting rifle.

Grrrrr. *HATE* those noisy, inconsiderate, pointless things.

The keys should come with an appointment for a lobotomy.
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Old 24-06-2015, 17:31   #176
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The following is a true story, but it still cracks me up over 20 yrs later.


We were on the sub, surfaced, doing about 12 kts in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the sun was getting low on the horizon, dolphins playing in the bow wake. The CO was a cigar smoker, he was in the sail as OOD enjoying a smoke, I was next to him as lookout and the Navigator (who was not well liked) was up there with us to get some fresh air and sun.

The CO decided it was a good time to practice Man Overboard (MOB) drills, so he called down to control and told them to send up an empty 5 gal cardboard milk container in a plastic bag, plus a Magic Marker.

The milk container arrived and the Capt. drew some bushy eyebrows on it, a big moustache and a beak nose and asked me, "Does that look like the Nav to you?"

I replied, "Yes sir! Exactly like him!" The Nav gave me a half scowl/half smile when he saw it. Then the Capt. tossed it over the port side and yelled, "OH NO!! The Navigator just fell overboard!!"

I didn't say a word. The Capt. turns to me and says, "Didn't you hear me? I said he just fell overboard!!" "Yes sir," I replied. He said, "Don't you think you should call away a Man Overboard?!?!!" "Sir, you said the Navigator, correct?"

When the Capt. heard that, he started howling with laughter, so hard, he started coughing between the cigar smoke and the laughing! "I see your point!"

The Nav shot an unamused look at the 2 of us.

The Capt. got on the 1MC (which broadcasts throughout the boat) and said, "I just tossed the Navigator overboard as part of a MOB drill, and ET2 Frakes has decided he doesn't want to go back and get him. Can you please send up another milk container and this time we'll actually try to get him back!"

We could hear the howls of laughter coming up from Control, 20 ft below us, everyone was cheering! The Nav. was now getting a little pissed off, so he said he was going back down to Control to straighten all of the clowns out. LOL

************************************************** ****************



PS:

After he went down below, a new milk container was brought up and we did it again. This time I called away "MAN OVERBOARD - PORT SIDE!" The CO started giving direct helm and throttle orders, we did a tight u-turn and came right back up our old track, and slowed to a dead stop as the milk carton washed up on the sloped bow. If it had been an unconscious man, he would have been up on the deck, lying on his back awaiting medical attention. A perfect recovery!
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Old 24-06-2015, 19:39   #177
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Some people claim that money can't buy happiness, but I disagree. Money can buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen anyone unhappy on a jet ski? That sure looks like someone just bought happiness in the form of a jet ski.
On the contrary!

Have you ever seen anyone happy around a jetski other than the d*ckhead on it? For every happy jet ski rider, there are many, many unhappy people being annoyed by it. Overall, buying a jet ski buys unhappiness.

And for Buzzman, I'd also be happy to see one under the bow of a large ship
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Old 24-06-2015, 20:41   #178
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 24-06-2015, 21:21   #179
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
The only place I ever wanna see a jet ski is in the telescopic site on my hunting rifle.

Grrrrr. *HATE* those noisy, inconsiderate, pointless things.

The keys should come with an appointment for a lobotomy.
+2

...and yes, we have seen people unhappy on a jet ski. The ride was wedding gift...and the couple actually withdrew after the first half hour, unable to understand how anyone would enjoy the d--- things...

...and now for something more amusing...



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Old 25-06-2015, 11:22   #180
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I must admit, I'm getting a big laugh out of the latest furor in the liberal media/crisis machine over the Confederate flag, how they're touting it as a symbol of oppression, racism, intolerance, and all of the other perjoratives they can cook up.

My, how short their memories are.









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