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Old 16-10-2016, 16:55   #1696
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 18-10-2016, 19:35   #1697
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Q: Good name for a fishing boat with a bulbous bow?j

A: "Cod Piece"
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Old 23-10-2016, 18:17   #1698
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace..... This is currently making the rounds:


Hillary Clinton might be the first F president.





Sorry, I meant female but the emale got deleted.



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Old 25-10-2016, 15:04   #1699
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver-black gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does."

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door. "Now Tell him you have a headache..."
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Old 28-10-2016, 14:07   #1700
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Re: The New Joke Thread



WTF DAVE! Were you just spying on us?!



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Old 29-10-2016, 05:00   #1701
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Re: The New Joke Thread

LOL....That is the perfect description of "Pandering"
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Old 30-10-2016, 19:12   #1702
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming View Post
Oh no no no.....thats as bad as "what do you call a cow with only 2 legs? Lean beef!"

A cow that has had an abortion. ...decalfinated

Where do cows go for lunch? Calfeteria

No legs at all?

Ground beef.
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Old 01-11-2016, 06:34   #1703
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An old man lived alone in the country. It was spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done

every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used

to help him, was currently in prison for a crime he hadn't committed.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: "Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad

because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up

a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad"

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

"Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love Vinnie."

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire

area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old

man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love

Vinnie."
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Old 01-11-2016, 13:39   #1704
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying job of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work for the government and paying them outrageous salaries to occupy its highest and most influential positions .

The practice is unbroken to this day.
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Old 03-11-2016, 11:19   #1705
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There was a band of mischievous thieving sailors on the old seas, always trying to get a leg up on their competition. However, it was frowned upon by the Grand Council of Privateers. They had managed to get away with their shenanigans for a while, until Captain James was caught trying to recruit a local coal worker into sneaking into a cave to look for treasure rumored there. He had promised the man a grand reward if he found it as well as a full-time crew position. The Council sentenced him harshly for trying to recruit outside ranks without permission. He was found guilty of being… In a Pro pirate contract with a miner.
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Old 03-11-2016, 13:33   #1706
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The following is a bright spot in an otherwise dismal election, and I applaud her for her finely honed sense of humor. Or humour, as she would spell it.


Quote:
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.

Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”

“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said.

The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”

Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”

Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”
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Old 03-11-2016, 14:52   #1707
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
No legs at all?

Ground beef.
The one sexting Anthony Weiner?

Roast beef.
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Old 06-11-2016, 23:09   #1708
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I suddenly realized that tofu is over rated.........


It's just a curd to me.


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Old 06-11-2016, 23:20   #1709
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Now hanging out in Auckland New Zealand.

Really.

Even though this is posted in the joke thread.
Because NZ is a joke, right?
Or maybe it's an attitude....
Or something.


Anyway: For those who've never been to
.........The Land of the Long White Cloud,
..............A reason (?) to visit...............

Because Suddenly New Zealand

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Old 07-11-2016, 14:39   #1710
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F---k the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The Republicans, when Trump was made the Party's Nominee, 2016.". . . .
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