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Old 26-09-2016, 02:09   #1681
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Re: The New Joke Thread

According to a recent survey, the leading cause of death for vegans is cerebral hemorrhaging. Apparently, if they don't make a snide remark to a normal person about eating meat every 10 minutes, their heads explode.
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Old 26-09-2016, 02:35   #1682
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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According to a recent survey, the leading cause of death for vegans is cerebral hemorrhaging. Apparently, if they don't make a snide remark to a normal person about eating meat every 10 minutes, their heads explode.

https://youtu.be/z0O_VYcsIk8
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Old 26-09-2016, 11:23   #1683
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by JohnT View Post
A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "you know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded,"maybe it died because you keep eating all its f#$%&ng food!"
I was eating dinner at a well-known steak house with a small group one night. Most of us ordered steak of one kind or another. The meals came, and the waitress put down a salad in front of one woman. One of the guys looked at her plate and said:

"That's not food. That's what food EATS!"
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Old 26-09-2016, 12:25   #1684
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by K_V_B View Post
This guy is really great!!!
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Old 29-09-2016, 12:06   #1685
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hi Bob, this is Alan next door. I’m sorry, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am now at least telling you by text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.”

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had received a second message from his neighbour.

“Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but, as I’m sure you noticed, my Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’.”
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Old 03-10-2016, 17:29   #1686
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery shop.
>>
As soon as they enter the bakery, Trump steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
>>
He says to Hillary: “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t even see anything, and I don’t even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.”
>>
Hillary says to Donald: “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same 3 pastries without stealing or lying, and also prove that I am much clever than you!”
>>
Hillary goes to the owner of the bakery and says: “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick?”
>>
Intrigued, the owner accepts Hillary’s offer and gives her a pastry. Hillary swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives her another one. Then Hillary asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
>>
By this time, the owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks: “So what's the magic trick?”
>>
Hillary replies: “Look in Donald’s pocket!”
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Old 04-10-2016, 00:40   #1687
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'd laugh but it's unfortunately too close to the caliber of this years candidates
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Old 04-10-2016, 12:50   #1688
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This election provide lots of material for comics regardless of political point of view. Unfortunately, no matter who wins, the joke is on us.


S/V B'Shert
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Old 04-10-2016, 21:09   #1689
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Donald Trump has small hands but a normal sized pence.

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Old 05-10-2016, 05:27   #1690
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Donald Trump has small hands but a normal sized pence.

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I had to think about that for a sec, that's pretty good !


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Old 05-10-2016, 08:11   #1691
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Went for a Chinese massage yesterday. It was weird having a guy massage me, but I've never had a massage before. Anyway really relaxing, quiet music, nice atmosphere. I asked the masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during a massage. He said "oh yeah, perfectly normal, happens all the time."
So I said, "well, could you keep it away from my face?'

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Old 05-10-2016, 18:01   #1692
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Re: The New Joke Thread

>>> Things couldn’t be much worse:


Bloody hell.. Our stocks have crashed, we get 2% {if we are lucky} on any fixed deposits, our Superannuation is stuffed..
>>>

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
>>>
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
>>>
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
>>>
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
>>>
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
>>>
If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
>>>
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
>>>
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
>>>
Parents in Toorak fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
>>>
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
>>>
A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria .
>>>
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
>>>
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
>>>
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
>>>
And, finally...
>>>
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,
>>>
I called the Suicide Hotline:
>>>
I got a call centre in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.


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Old 11-10-2016, 14:56   #1693
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Re: The New Joke Thread

After North Korea developed the Hwasong-10 Ballistic Missile, South Korea has responded by developing the more deadly Samsung Galaxy Note 7.
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Old 12-10-2016, 15:35   #1694
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Re: The New Joke Thread

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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Old 13-10-2016, 12:46   #1695
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!" says the mom.

A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."


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