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Old 09-09-2016, 20:50   #1666
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A baby seal walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.








I know the law. And I have spent my entire life in its flagrant disregard.

{Note: Belay my last until confirmation arrives concerning my death.}
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Old 09-09-2016, 21:17   #1667
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Re: The New Joke Thread

! ! ! .. B U S I N E S S . . . O P P O R T U N I T Y .. ! ! !


***** DOG BREEDS NOT ( as of yet ) AVAILABLE *****


Interested entrepreneurs or CF members looking to earn extra cash
please give Junior Samples a call at BR-549.



1) Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

2) Retriever + Irish Setter - Resetter, a dog that can set your dvr for you

3) Pointer + Setter - Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

4) Great Pyrenees + Dachshund - Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

5) Pekingese + Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog

6) Newfoundland + Basset Hound - Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

7) Terrier + Bulldog -Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

8) Bloodhound + Labrador - Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

9) Malamute + Pointer - Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

10) Collie + Malamute - Commute, a dog that travels to work

11) Deerhound + Terrier - Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

12) Bull Terrier + Shitzu - Oh, never mind.....


.
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Old 09-09-2016, 21:25   #1668
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#Meanwhile-in-boredom-land.....

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Old 11-09-2016, 01:24   #1669
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ever had ants aboard? At a rented bungalow? Check out this lady's blog post:

Diary of An Ant Infestation! https://onceuponyourprime.com/2016/0...t-infestation/

A sample:

Day 2

As I referee an argument between my kids over who gets pancakes or waffles, I reach into my pantry for the Bisquick. OMG! I’m aghast to see numerous black moving specs clustered around the maple syrup. It hasn’t even been opened yet. Surely an ominous sign that won’t bode well for future smugness. I take the bottle to the sink and rinse about forty five squirming insects off the syrup lid. “Sorry, Aunt Jemima!” The irony of the name of the brand is lost on me because I’m too irritated. Word of the day: ANTagonized.

Day 3

My daughter is bouncing off the walls to go shopping. “Got ants in your pants?” I teasingly ask. “Go get dressed and I’ll take you to the mall.” She returns moments later to show me her designer jeans absolutely teeming with ants. Who even says “teeming?” Apparently I do, now that we’ve officially been invaded. Never mind that there’s a half eaten strawberry fruit roll-up in her pants pocket, the battle lines have been drawn, and I’m almost looking forward to the kill. Word of the day: ANTicipation.


Blog link might be time-limited. Blogs come & go and change and, well, this is the internet.
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Old 11-09-2016, 01:36   #1670
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Re: The New Joke Thread

F


Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum
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Old 11-09-2016, 16:40   #1671
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So, I was at the bar last night, and a waitress screamed" oh my God does anyone know cpr? "
I stood up and proudly said " I know the whole alphabet!"
Everyone laughed... Well except for this one guy....
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Old 14-09-2016, 19:12   #1672
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, both of whom are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl”.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President or keep it quiet?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
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Old 14-09-2016, 19:58   #1673
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Best to keep it quiet, the topic might expand and you'd have to admit that if you still had voting rights you would vote for the orange haired guy that thinks Mexicans are a bunch of rapists and Social Security should be privatized.
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Old 15-09-2016, 03:08   #1674
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Dear 'Worried about my Reputation'.....

Just focus on the wonderful Family ties and values you are blessed with.
Politics can cause otherwise loving couples to become strange bedfellows, but if that happens in your case.....then 50 bucks should cover it.

Abby
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Old 15-09-2016, 14:23   #1675
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
Best to keep it quiet, the topic might expand and you'd have to admit that if you still had voting rights you would vote for the orange haired guy that thinks Mexicans are a bunch of rapists and Social Security should be privatized.
He never said he'd lost his voting rights. That would have meant he had some tragedy in his life.

I thought this was going to be one of those "If a train leaves Austin at 30 miles an hour, and another leaves Houston at 15 miles an hour, and one of them is carrying a democrat and the other is carrying a republican"

No wonder train travel is declining.
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Old 15-09-2016, 21:18   #1676
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two small-county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed.

The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

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Old 15-09-2016, 21:25   #1677
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."
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Old 15-09-2016, 21:27   #1678
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call:
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
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Old 18-09-2016, 23:06   #1679
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Any vandals?
Nope.
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Old 26-09-2016, 01:50   #1680
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "you know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded,"maybe it died because you keep eating all its f#$%&ng food!"
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