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Old 19-08-2016, 16:09   #1636
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
That reminds me of how badly NBC is screwing up the Olympics with all of the incessant commentary. I hit the mute button.
Oh my yes.
And they are incorrect a lot also.
Horrible.
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Old 19-08-2016, 16:58   #1637
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
Oh my yes.
And they are incorrect a lot also.
Horrible.
I listened to an NBC reporter describe Maroulis training to become a history making gold medalist as having taken hours. wow, only hours? who knew? I coulda been a contender.
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Old 20-08-2016, 16:07   #1638
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Teacher: Let's play a game!
Students: aww
Teacher (ignores awww): What's white and has a soft middle?
Jimmy: A pillow?
Teacher: No, I was thinking of a marshmallow, but i like the way you think
Jimmy: Okay I have one!
Teacher: Let's hear it.
Jimmy: What do I have that's hard and red?
(giggles from the class)
Teacher: Jimmy! That's not appropriate!
Jimmy: Actually I was thinking of the apple in my lunch, but I like the way you think.
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Old 20-08-2016, 19:02   #1639
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How To Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone...'
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Old 21-08-2016, 03:31   #1640
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The American football season is about underway, with preseason games already being played.

For your entertainment...............



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Old 24-08-2016, 23:31   #1641
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

...

...

...

...

...

...

...










But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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Old 25-08-2016, 03:25   #1642
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man is looking for the secret of eternal happiness...
He ends up in the Himalayan foothills where he is told there is an old mystic up in the high country who knows the secret.

Weeks later he finds himself having an audience with the mystic.... and asks the question...

'what is the secret of eternal happiness?'

'the secret of eternal happiness, my son, is to never ever argue with anyone'... taking a suck on his bong...

'that is not the secret the secret of eternal happiness!!!!' says our man on a mission ' I haven't spent the last ten years and the family fortune traveling the worl to be told bollocks like that!! THAT IS NOT THE SECRET OF ETERNAL HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!'

'OK' says the mystic..taking another suck on his bong ' that isn't the secret of eternal happiness.....'

( Some on CF could take note )
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Old 25-08-2016, 07:55   #1643
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man asks his wife' " If I won the lottery what would you do?"
" Divorce your ass and take half" she replies.
Husband says, "Great I won $20.00 on a scratch off, here's $10. Get the f#%k out"

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Old 25-08-2016, 19:46   #1644
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan H View Post

supposedly an Irish presenter that has no idea whatsoever what is going on at the Olympic sailing event.
Hilarious!
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Old 26-08-2016, 15:26   #1645
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 26-08-2016, 17:49   #1646
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by El Pinguino View Post
( Some on CF could take note )
Ouch! ...but so, so true!!
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Old 27-08-2016, 22:19   #1647
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Okay..... Based on prior interactions twixt us I really owe you a beer - or two!


But damn it, man! Right up to the edge of the cliff....
.
.
& then.....
.
.
.
a gentle shove.
.
.
.

<sigh> Honest up: You are hereby nominated for post of the month.

James
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Old 28-08-2016, 12:57   #1648
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bubba and Billy are siting on the porch drinking an Old Milwaukee beer when a tractor trailer loaded with pallets of sod goes by.
Bubba looks at Billy and says....
Wen ah gets rich....thets wat Ise gonnu due....

Billy looks at Bubba and asks...Wut dribe a truk?
Nah, replies Bubba....sen mah grass outta be mode!
..
..
..
Several minutes pass by....
..
..
Billy asks Bubba....Wut grass?
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Old 28-08-2016, 13:07   #1649
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
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Old 28-08-2016, 13:16   #1650
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by GILow View Post
A deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.


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A deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?

Still no f****** idea
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