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Old 21-06-2015, 20:39   #151
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold. This went on for about a half an hour, turn it up; turn it down. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and being very pleasant about it all.

So finally one customer asked: "why donít you just throw out the pest?"
ďOh, I donít care,Ē said the waiter with a grin, "we donít even have an air conditioner.Ē
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Old 21-06-2015, 20:44   #152
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.

Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.

Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.

After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says.

The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."
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Old 21-06-2015, 20:50   #153
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tech Support: "I need you to right click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click."


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Old 21-06-2015, 20:55   #154
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You KNOW you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
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Old 21-06-2015, 20:56   #155
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Herman is driving on the highway.

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, I’m right here. But there isn't just one, there are hundreds!'
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Old 21-06-2015, 21:45   #156
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Here's a little known story from the cold war...

The Trojan Prophylactic company received an order from the Red Army Quartermaster. it was for 100,000 condoms, each to be 2 inches in diameter and 12 inches long. This was duly reported to the CIA who were quite worried about the intended blow to the US army's self esteem. But a bright lad stepped in and saved the day: "No worries, mates (he might have been an Aussie), just send them the rubbers, all marked size medium".

And that's why we won that cold war!

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Old 21-06-2015, 22:49   #157
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

Steven, a seasoned yet playful heartthrob, noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.

Steven replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."




Where is the LIKE 👍🏻 button! So true!
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Old 21-06-2015, 22:50   #158
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Where is the LIKE ���� button! So true!
It's been cleverly disguised as the "Thanks!" button. The thumbs up symbol kinda gives it away, though.
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Old 22-06-2015, 16:18   #159
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! -- Who said,' Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth."
Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do".
She heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs".
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded.
Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945".
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke".
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".
The teacher fainted.
As-the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're F-- ked!"
Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2001, when Bush Jnr was elected"
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Old 22-06-2015, 16:41   #160
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Follow the link or not - completely up to you....

5 Best Jewish Jokes Ever ..... *Lawrence Rifkin
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Old 22-06-2015, 23:38   #161
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
It's been cleverly disguised as the "Thanks!" button. The thumbs up symbol kinda gives it away, though.
Click image for larger version

Name:	ImageUploadedByCruisers Sailing Forum1435037879.209302.jpg
Views:	357
Size:	94.2 KB
ID:	104111


That's the one thing about using CF with a cell phone only-I don't see all those fancy things. So here it is:
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Old 22-06-2015, 23:41   #162
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Attachment 104111


That's the one thing about using CF with a cell phone only-I don't see all those fancy things. So here it is:
I had no idea, I'm using a computer. Sounds like something they should add to the CF app, so you guys can get full functionality!
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Old 23-06-2015, 15:34   #163
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Old 23-06-2015, 17:01   #164
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!" The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so." The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! So he says "OK I'll be back." He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream. He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" "Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "OH NO, that's just ice cream!"

source: Penguin Jokes - Animal Jokes
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Old 23-06-2015, 18:30   #165
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How my teeth got out of alignment.

I was in the "Texas Rose" tavern last night, at the bar waiting for a beer,
when a Butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, I dig old fat guys – ...How about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and asked, “Have you got a pen?”

She said, “I sure do!”

I replied, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.
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