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Old 10-08-2016, 00:14   #1561
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 10-08-2016, 15:14   #1562
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.


The following is a recap of my current identity:


I was born white, which makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.


I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.


I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am older than 65 and which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.

I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

Newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use
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Old 10-08-2016, 16:54   #1563
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A group of men live and die
for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to
another city and they're lost without him.



A new woman joins their Club.
When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she
says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was
pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?



"No one wants to say
'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man
says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early
tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a
problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but
say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp,
and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They
congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She
smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or
6:45."


The next week she again shows
up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The
three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an
even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite
her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to
beat her.



The third week, she's 15
minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she
plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of
them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty
gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and
complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a
grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one
can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the
Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How
do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or
left-handed?"


The lady blushes, and grins.
"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was
ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back
and forth."



"When I got married
after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the
nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before
I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers
off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf
right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf
left-handed."



The guys think this is
hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of
the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight
up?"


She says, "Then, I'm
fifteen minutes late."
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Old 10-08-2016, 17:43   #1564
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Re: The New Joke Thread

She's a keeper!!
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Old 10-08-2016, 17:44   #1565
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.


The following is a recap of my current identity:


I was born white, which makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.


I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.


I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am older than 65 and which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.

I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

Newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use


I feel exactly the same!
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Old 10-08-2016, 19:15   #1566
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.


The following is a recap of my current identity:


I was born white, which makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.


I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.


I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am older than 65 and which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.

I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

Newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use

I thought this was the joke thread.


A house is but a boat so poorly built and so firmly run aground you would never try to refloat it.
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Old 10-08-2016, 23:02   #1567
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
I thought this was the joke thread.
Therapy, who posted this identity crisis "Joke", is close enough to North Carolina that he saw humor in the bathroom comment, which I also find mildly amusing. I recently ate at an establishment in Burien, WA, that has two bathrooms, neither of which was labeled for either sex. It was a little strange seeing the queue of men and women waiting for both rooms.
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Old 10-08-2016, 23:08   #1568
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I can identify with that, if the door has a lock on it, who cares, whom uses what bathroom?
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Old 11-08-2016, 00:00   #1569
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by captain58sailin View Post
I can identify with that, if the door has a lock on it, who cares, whom uses what bathroom?
I've always thought it was a nice perk of being a male to go to a concert or ball game, breeze right in and take a leak, then walk out to find a line a 1/4 mile long leading to the ladies' bathroom.

I was recently at an outdoor concert and they used portapotties. I swear, at one point, all 5 of them were tied up with a woman in each of them for 15 minutes. The guy in front of me was about to start banging on doors and throwing women out!
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Old 11-08-2016, 03:37   #1570
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
I thought this was the joke thread.
it was, unless you decide that we are only supposed to write stuff that you think is funny. than it's a joke of a thread.
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Old 11-08-2016, 08:44   #1571
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.


The following is a recap of my current identity:


I was born white, which makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.


I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.


I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am older than 65 and which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.

I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

Newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use
and now in your old age you are just a grumpy old ass
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Old 11-08-2016, 09:46   #1572
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some school work." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching films."

Dad asks, "What film did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was. The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.


The Robot is for sale.
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Old 11-08-2016, 11:50   #1573
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Simonsays View Post
it was, unless you decide that we are only supposed to write stuff that you think is funny. than it's a joke of a thread.

It wasn't a joke, it was a humble-brag with a punchline at the end. I could see it being humorous with a better setup.


A house is but a boat so poorly built and so firmly run aground you would never try to refloat it.
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Old 11-08-2016, 22:59   #1574
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
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Quick question: Is the G650 rated for acrobatic maneuvers?
No, but it can get very high.😅😇
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Old 12-08-2016, 19:34   #1575
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,you would have $49.00 today.

If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00 today.

If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Thus, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
I'ts called the 401-Keg Plan.





{For the non-US folk: A 401-K is a delayed-tax, stock investment retirement plan sometimes provided by an employer. And please-oh-please do NOT let that statement set off a debate about 401K's! }
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