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Old 08-08-2016, 16:29   #1516
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 08-08-2016, 19:09   #1517
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Re: The New Joke Thread

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am older and wiser now......and looking for a girl with big tits.
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Old 08-08-2016, 19:10   #1518
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was on the train going to work today.

At the next railway station a Thai girl got on.

She was an absolute stunner, really beautiful with a shapely body and legs.

I couldn't help myself but just had to stare and was very embarrassed when she caught me looking and gave me the most gorgeous smile.

Really embarrassed, all I could keep thinking was "Don't get a hard on, don't get a hard on, don't get a hard on"....


Sadly, she did.
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Old 08-08-2016, 19:13   #1519
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Husband says to wife,

"My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says,

"Why not wear Silver and come second for a change?"
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Old 08-08-2016, 19:16   #1520
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Re: The New Joke Thread

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute .

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish.

I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten
bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate..
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...
(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' asks Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'
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Old 08-08-2016, 19:40   #1521
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Thoughts for the day. {Some of these are recycled, but so what...... }


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
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Old 08-08-2016, 23:14   #1522
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Old 08-08-2016, 23:28   #1523
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Old 09-08-2016, 00:13   #1524
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Old 09-08-2016, 00:14   #1525
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Old 09-08-2016, 00:16   #1526
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Old 09-08-2016, 00:53   #1527
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Re: The New Joke Thread

He's been at this for decades!

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Old 09-08-2016, 00:58   #1528
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Old 09-08-2016, 03:07   #1529
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Old 09-08-2016, 03:12   #1530
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