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Old 19-06-2015, 22:09   #136
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Americans are AAALREADY getting into their quadrennial Presidential contest, and thus begging the onslaught of political jokes....

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a politician?
A: There are somethings a prostitute won't do for money!
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Old 19-06-2015, 23:01   #137
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 20-06-2015, 01:51   #138
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Lessons from Bank Robbers
Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.” Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly." This is an example of how to behave professionally and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?" The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank." This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen." "Wait”, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add that money we took for ourselves over the past few months and also add in any other problems and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking. Maybe it’s better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber." This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.?

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
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Old 20-06-2015, 01:54   #139
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The bowmansunion.com introductory self-examination for beginning bowmen.

So you want to be a Bowman? Or Bow woman ?
Maybe you're tired of being an under appreciated grinder. Or you have finally shed that extra 20 pounds and feel it's time to redeem yourself on the pointy end. Well here is a short test to get you going in the right direction and help you to see if you have what it takes to become a bowman.


First of all, to be a good bowman, you must have a high tolerance for pain under many adverse conditions. Dealing with pain and continuing to perform the duties of the bow is paramount to being successful in this position. Seeing if you have what it takes is simple, just follow these few steps.

1. To make things realistic, start a cold shower and get in. I recommend wearing your weather gear">foul weather gear, but that's up to you.
2. Spin around about ten times or so, just enough to make it seem like the shower is "heeled over".
3. Now, with a medium sized frying pan, give yourself a good whack on the top of the head while yelling "MADE!"
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 every five minutes or until you black out.



If you made it through this exercise at least five times without loosing conscienceness or ending up in the emergency room, then congratulations, you are ready for the next level. If you didn't, then you'd better stay behind the mast you wimp!

OK, as soon as the swelling goes down it is time to see if you have the brains to be on the bow. The bow is a very mentally challenging position. This exercise will give you a good idea if you have what it takes.
To test your problem solving skills, go to your local toy store and buy a Rubicks Cube, you might already have one lurking around your basement from the mid '80s. Once you have found one, follow these short steps to see if you are sharp enough for the front of the boat, or if you are destined to turn a winch for the rest of your days.


1. Take your "Cube" into a completely dark room or closet, or if you are at work, a blind fold will do just fine.
2 . Have a buddy time you at solving the puzzle, and since you will experience lots of distractions on the foredeck, have your buddy smack you on the face repeatedly while you complete this task (quit whining, do you want to be a bowman or not ? ) .

If you were able to solve the puzzle in less than 3 minutes then you probably already have Dennis Connor on speed dial . Under 5 and you probably wear your harness to work under your business suit. Anything under 10 and you have what it takes but you need a little more practice . If it took you 10 minutes or more, well, lets just say there is always a future as a tactician .


Our next exercise is one of mental toughness, to see if you have the "clock weights", if you will, to persevere through the torment and ridicule that will surely come from the other crewmembers aboard .
This is our final test, so good luck .


1. For five days you are not allowed to speak to anyone, not your roommate, spouse, siblings, parents, kids, friends, boss, coworkers, NO ONE .
2 . You are only allowed to verbally communicate in the form of yelling and screaming. This includes phone conversations .
3 . Be sure to include as much profanity in each sentence as possible .

So for an example, if your boss asks for an over due report. Instead of saying "I will have it for you right away sir." You could say "I WILL HAVE THE #&*$@% REPORT FOR YOU AS SOON AS IT IS @*&%#@ DONE, %&#$ FACE!" Of course you can insert your own profanity where you see fit .

Once you have completed this exercise you should have a good idea of what it is like to be on the bow of a high performance racing sailboat. The faces people have given you and the obscene hand gestures you have received during this last five days are very similar to the ones you will receive in your new position on the bow. However, if you made it through this exercise and you are still married, your friends still call you or talk to you, and you still have a job, then you didn't try hard enough. You will undoubtedly fold under the pressure of this demanding position, in other words you are a wuss. Don't feel too bad though, not everyone is cut out for this life. It is lonely world up there, some sailors just can't handle the stress and separation. Just be thankful that you took this exam, think of all the pain and ridicule you have saved yourself .

If you passed all three tests, then congratulations. Once the bandages come off and you have begged your boss for your job back, the next step is to get your name on your local crew list as an "Aspiring Bowman". Be sure to mention that you have passed the "bowmansunion.com introductory self-examination for beginning bowmen". Bring along the Rubicks Cube and a blindfold to any interviews with skippers and you are sure to have a fast ride on the bow of your choice .



Good Luck
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Old 20-06-2015, 03:39   #140
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Re: The New Joke Thread

^^^^ But you wouldn't want one of those frilly lassies, would you? Do ye not think ye're better off with one of those lassies who is really there for ye?

A.
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Old 20-06-2015, 06:50   #141
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Never mix Viagra and a laxative....
I didn't read all the fine print and mixed viagra with my iron pills. Now every time I go skinny dipping, I point to the north.
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Old 20-06-2015, 11:15   #142
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 20-06-2015, 11:33   #143
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Old 20-06-2015, 23:28   #144
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm not saying Okinawa has the biggest rats in the world, but when I was a kid, I shot one with a .22 cal CO2 rifle set on "High". The pellet hit it's matted fur and knocked it back about 3 ft. It got up, stood on it's hind legs and started chattering really loud!

I told my 120lb German Shepherd "Rudy" to get it, he took one look at the thing and jumped behind me!
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Old 20-06-2015, 23:29   #145
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm not saying that FL has the biggest flying cockroaches in the world, but...


I saw one swoop down and pick up a really fat kid in a parking lot. His equally fat mother gave chase, and the cockroach picked her up and took off with both of them!
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Old 20-06-2015, 23:32   #146
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm not saying that Alaska has the biggest mosquitos in the world, but...

one day a mosquito landed at Elmendorf AFB and they pumped 700 gal of JP5 into it before they realized what it was...
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Old 20-06-2015, 23:33   #147
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This identity thing is getting pretty widespread...

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Old 21-06-2015, 20:26   #148
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Re: The New Joke Thread

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
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Old 21-06-2015, 20:29   #149
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' the lady said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''
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Old 21-06-2015, 20:33   #150
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" "It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean".

With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name."

The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, "Hello, is Homer there?" asks the father. "Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down. You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry. He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells. "Yes, is Homer there? asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams, " I told you Homer doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again.

"Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl, "Now that is what anger sounds like." "Now you're going to hear exasperation." He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end. "Hello" the dad says politely, "This is Homer, have I had any calls?"
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