The Joke Thread

[Ex-Calif]

It occurred to me tonight when looking for a little levity that I had not seen a thread devoted to jokes around here. I did a quick search and couldn't find one.

I did find a funny set of nautical terms on another forum to start things off. If you have a joke to share, preferably boating loosely related to boating add it on and in no time we'll have our own archive.

Nautical Terms:
Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

[delmarrey]

Actually there was one here http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/f61/jokes-3254.html

But you do have to be careful, a couple had to be removed.

[knottybuoyz]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Actually there was one here http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/f61/jokes-3254.html

But you do have to be careful, a couple had to be removed.

I've been known to be "TOO" funny!

Anybody seen Del's new Halloween Costume? It ain't perdy!

[Alan Wheeler]

Damn! Just when I thought I could hold breakfast down for the first time in a few weeks.

[knottybuoyz]

After their boat sinks, two Kiwi's are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.

SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!

"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."

The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"

The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "beer".

"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"

His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!!”

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Actually there was one here http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/f61/jokes-3254.html

But you do have to be careful, a couple had to be removed.

Oh, great...

Now my Friday is history....

Didn't think to search in entertainment. Thanks for pointing that out.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by knottybuoyz

Anybody seen Del's new Halloween Costume? It ain't perdy!

Now you've done it Now everybody knows I frequant Queen Ann Hill.

But the veiw of the Space neddle is supurb.

[mickmul]

not about boating . . .This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

[Pura Vida]

That costume has to be in the DSM-IV somewhere...

[97octane]

A pirate walks into a bar with a captains wheel stuff inside the front of his pants....

The bartender looks at the pirate and asks him "What are you doing with a captains wheel stuffed in your pants... "?

The pirate says, "Arrrrgg..... it drives me nuts".

[svHyLyte]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized that she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his GPS and replied, " You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above mean sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14 minutes, 29 seconds North latitude and your longitude is 100 degrees, 49 minutes, 12 seconds West.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am", the man replied, "How did you know?" "Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me appears to be technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help to me."

The man laughed and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am", replied the balloonist, "How did you know?" "Well", said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[sneuman]

The wind is free. It's the sails that cost a bloody fortune!

An ugly boat is like an ugly woman. It doesn't matter how fast she is!

[Spin_Drift]

Don't know what taciturn means, this will give you a hint:


A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie,
Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old
cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full
bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the
old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I
do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the
bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with
delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices
a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I
got, too.

[97octane]

An old cowboy was riding his horse across the desert for days on end. Out of water, the sun blistering his skin and face.

Finally, the cowboy spots a town up ahead, and wearily ties his horse up at the saloon. On-lookers curiously watch the man as he painfully dismounts obviously dying of thirst.

The cowboy dismounts, walks around to the back of his horse, lifts up the horses tail, and kisses his horse right square on his arse..... then proceeds to casually walk up to the saloon.

The town sherrif stops the man, and says "Mister, I realize your probably tired and not alltogether with it, but do you have any idea that you just kissed your horse right on his arse?"

The man said "Yup".

Sherrif inquired "Well, why in the world would you do that?"

"Well, you see, I've got me some mighty chapped lips"

Sherrif: "Really.... does it help?"

Cowboy: "Nope, but it keeps me from licking em'"

[Spin_Drift]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

.