The Joke Thread

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by George Hoskins

Divers searching the sunken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar.

They told the divers to F^ck off as their cruise was 'all inclusive' and they still had twelve days left.

I like that one

[Gypsy_Soul]

I giggled at a few of these. : )

[MikeTurner]

Like a wreck on the highway - you know you shouldn't look, but you can't help yourself...

[capn_billl]

Yes. Of(f) "course", they are in bad taste, got any more good ones.

I thought the the joke should go. I like my women like the Costa Concordia, wet and upside down.

How do you pick up a Hot Costa Concordia chick,....bada BOOM! A rescue sling!

Top ten benefits to a Costa Concordia cruise.

1. Experience a real live action naval rescue.
2. See sea life close up....and personal.
3. Skip clearing in procedure.
4. Free cruise in life raft, (no extra charge)
5. Free underwater swimming, and scuba lessons.
6. Live reinactment of the Posidon movie.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Oh I ran out.

[Therapy]

Subject: Life


FINALLY AN ANSWER

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."


The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"


So God agreed......


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."


The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"


And God agreed......


On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."


The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"


And God agreed again......


On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."


But the humans said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"


"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."


So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch .

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by Therapy

Subject: Life


FINALLY AN ANSWER

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

Ain't that the truth!

[foolishsailor]

A young man walks into a bar and sees on top of the bar what appears to be a small piano with a tiny man playing it, a brass lamp and its owner.


He sits down next to the man and before he can speak the man at the bar says, “I know what you are thinking and you are right, this is a magic lamp with a genie inside that will grant you one wish. Give it a go but be careful the genie is a bit hard of hearing. ”


The young man takes the lamp, rubs it and asks “I wish I could have a million bucks.”
Suddenly the bar is full of ducks. Ducks everywhere. So full of ducks the young man can barely move.


He turns to the man at the man at the bar and asks, “What is this, I aksed for a million bucks and suddenly there are a million ducks?”


The man at the bar looks him square in the face, points at the tiny man on the bar playing the piano and says, “I told you the genie was a bit deaf, do you really think I wished for a 9 inch pianist?”

[captain58sailin]

Sacred Cows make the best hamburger.

[nigel1]

Originally Posted by foolishsailor

The man at the bar looks him square in the face, points at the tiny man on the bar playing the piano and says, “I told you the genie was a bit deaf, do you really think I wished for a 9 inch pianist?”

Thats a bit like the guy who when asked by the genie for one wish, wished that his dick could touch the floor.
His legs fell off.

[Jon Hacking]

I used to have a perfectly good anchor wench but she winged so I had to put in an anchor winch. No wingeing or whining wenches here, only well wound winches & well wined wenches!

[Pelagic]

QUOTE OF THE YEAR:

"...and then God created the orgasm,
so that women can moan even when they are happy."

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

QUOTE OF THE YEAR:

"...and then God created the orgasm,
so that women can moan even when they are happy."

I would agree wholeheartedly, but I would proabbly get 'FLAMED' by someone PC

[JayCall]

TheChiefs of the Army, the Navy amd the Marine Corps were having a drink in the Officers' Club. They started arguing about which service has more guts. they went outside and the Arny General saw a Private walking down the road in file with a tank. He told the Private, "Walk in front of that tank!"The Private was crushed and the General said, See, that's guts!

The Admiral called Seaman 2nd over and said "Climb the radio mast on that ship and then jump off". The Seaman climbed up, jumped off and was drowned. The Admiral said-That shows real guts!"

The Marine General called a young Force Recon PFC over, the PFC runs up "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General says "Climb to the top of that 20 story building!" The PFC says "Sir, Yes Sir!" and scales the building. the General Says "Now, jump off!". The PFC looks down and says "Sir, F* You,Sir!"

The Marine General just smiles at the Army General and the Navy Admiral and says "That is real guts!"

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by lookoutnw

I would agree wholeheartedly, but I would proabbly get 'FLAMED' by someone PC

Lookoutnw, here come the flames!!

[atoll]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may receive an 'Economic Stimulus' payment..

This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a
Q & A format:


. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q.. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ..



* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Buying beer or whisky, or

5) Get yourself a Tattoo,
or

6) Visiting a bookie.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )


Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale (or the bookies) ;and drink beer all night !