The Joke Thread

[anjou]

A man goes into the butchers shop and says, I bet you £5 you cant reach the meat on that top shelf.
I cant says the butcher, the steaks are too high.

A man goes to the docs and says ive broken my arm in several places
Doc says, dont go to those places again

two blonds walk into a tall building
You would think one of them would have noticed it

a blond woman driver is stopped by a blond woman cop for speeding.
Blond cop asks to see the blond drivers licence.
What does it look like asks the blond driver
oh its square and has your picture on it.
blond driver looks in her purse and finds a mirror, and hands it to the blond cop.
Blond cop takes a look and says, .....sorry, i wouldnt have stopped you if i had known your a cop

[anjou]

Following on from the "sealion dies from too much sex" thread

A penguin takes her car into a garage and tell the mechanic theres a problem with the engine.
No worries luv, leave it with me for a hour while you pop out for a coffee.

One hour later, she returns and asks the mechanic what the problem is.

Looks like youve blown a seal, he says.

The penguin wipes her chin and says

No, I think its ice cream

[Pelagic]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to **** all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

[Pelagic]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in
reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when
you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it
a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress... The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I' m
sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Macdonalds again!'

[BlueSovereign]

Willy, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform
and heads down to the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, “How am I doin?”

The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you're doing about three knots.”

“Three knots, what's that supposed to mean?” he asks.

The prostitute replies, “You're knot hard, you're knot in, and
you're knot getting your money back!”

[Blue Tree]

9 Months Later ...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob . So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.



After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'



The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'Well she just died and left me everything.'

[mmckee1952]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool??*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3.? OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known? as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4.? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5.? There are three religious truths:
????? a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
????? b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the?Christian?faith.
????? c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or?Hooters
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6.?? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7.? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8.?? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they? just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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11. ? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it? follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,?models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners? depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*
12.? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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13. ? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? ?
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14. ? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of? bald men?
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15. ? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. ? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*?

18.? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. ? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. ? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't?zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. ? If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words?'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...
??????????????? 'THEIRS'?

[mmckee1952]

A Kind Grand Father

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and
his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child
screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle;
same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice: "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,
"It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here
Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my
business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud
and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be
okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little ****'s name is Steve."

[Blue Tree]

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f*****' boat.

[Blue Tree]

Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 130 if he were alive today.


Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919, married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA Connection.

This came to be known as....





Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'.

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff.......

[fred]

A Cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
“I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers:
“My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am, there’s nothing youcould ask that I would find offensive.”
He replies:
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds:
“Well #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says:
“Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
The nun says:
“Pull over.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“Forgive me but I've sinned.
I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says:
“That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[David_Old_Jersey]

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Substance: Woman
Chemical System: Wo
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary
from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and
shopping malls.


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarminly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)


COMMON USES:
------------
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.


SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
-----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.


HAZARDS:
---------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.

[mmckee1952]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I've some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[mmckee1952]

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Stewardess


A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[Curmudgeon]

This was voted the world's funniest joke somewhere on the web. It's ok, I suppose.

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

His companion panics, whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"