The Joke Thread

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by Neeltje

Please folks, don't turn the Joke Thread into yet another debate or discussion platform. Stick to telling jokes (if you have any) or create a new thread if you need to comment on them.

I go to Cruisers first thing every morning (before even checking my e-mail and online news & weather) hoping there will be a new addition to this thread that will get me laughing with my latte, and I'm sure I'm not the only one to do so.

Jacques

Did something get deleted that I didn't see or are you referring to my totally non-partisan political joke? If so, it was meant as a joke only and in no way a political discussion.

If taken the wrong way then delete "Congressman" and "politician" and replace with "lawyer". Works just as well (with apologies to Dockhead and the other 3 or 4 honorable lawyers out there).

[sailorboy1]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[sailorboy1]

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

[D&D]

Here's another one for...

Originally Posted by skipmac

the other 3 or 4 honorable lawyers out there

...

What's the difference between a flea and a lawyer?

The flea gets off your back when you're dead..

[...told and repeated by a lawyer...]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Neeltje

Please folks, don't turn the Joke Thread into yet another debate or discussion platform. Stick to telling jokes (if you have any) or create a new thread if you need to comment on them.

I go to Cruisers first thing every morning (before even checking my e-mail and online news & weather) hoping there will be a new addition to this thread that will get me laughing with my latte, and I'm sure I'm not the only one to do so.

Jacques

I also like to come in here to read a joke, but the worst thing is to come in here and see some senseless whining. YOU didn't even tell a joke. Your post was worse than the post you whined about.

and now for the real joke...


A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by skipmac

Did something get deleted that I didn't see or are you referring to my totally non-partisan political joke? If so, it was meant as a joke only and in no way a political discussion.

If taken the wrong way then delete "Congressman" and "politician" and replace with "lawyer". Works just as well (with apologies to Dockhead and the other 3 or 4 honorable lawyers out there).

No, apparently, some people are deeply offended by a discussion about bacon. I don't mind if someone is a vegetarian, that's their choice, but to throw a fit over a discussion of bacon? That's a bit much, even for those types.


Anyways, here's another joke...

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[socaldmax]

I'm going to try a couple of mild sex jokes. If someone complains, go ahead and delete them. Just keep in mind - I did not write them, just found them funny as a normal, well adjusted adult.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"

[socaldmax]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[socaldmax]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[socaldmax]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

[socaldmax]

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

No, apparently, some people are deeply offended by a discussion about bacon. I don't mind if someone is a vegetarian, that's their choice, but to throw a fit over a discussion of bacon? That's a bit much, even for those types.

Hey. I've been a vegetarian for 40 years and I can laugh about bacon jokes all day long. Even enjoy vegetarian jokes but some of them do get a little old after the 100th time you hear it.

Like, "What is a vegetarian?"

An old American Indian name for a brave that's a bad hunter.

[socaldmax]

True story.

My ex-GF is always asking for favors and I usually oblige. When we were together years ago, I told her to call me "Mr. Wonderful" partly because I bought her a car and paid all of her bills (including a $300/mo cell phone bill!!) and let her live with me when she was homeless and unemployed, and partly because she absolutely hates admitting it.

A while back the hard drive in her desktop computer died and she asked me to repair it. I had already bought a HDD for her, but she wanted me to buy Windows 7 to load on it, I told her she could buy that herself. For whatever reason, Win7 wouldn't recognize the HDD plugged into any of the SATA ports on the motherboard, despite all of the controller drivers I loaded. I finally installed a SATA card in a slot and got it to work fine.

I finally delivered the computer to her house and she asked what the password was. I told her it was her favorite pet name for me. She said, "NO!! NOT Mr Wonderful!!" "I will NEVER type that into my computer."

"Suit yourself, but that's the password."
"How do I change it?"
"That's for you to learn, glasshoppa."

[socaldmax]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by skipmac

Hey. I've been a vegetarian for 40 years and I can laugh about bacon jokes all day long. Even enjoy vegetarian jokes but some of them do get a little old after the 100th time you hear it.

Like, "What is a vegetarian?"

An old American Indian name for a brave that's a bad hunter.

I think I'd be much healthier if I was a vegetarian, I really need to start shopping and eating smarter.


Speaking of which...

My little half sister is well known for taking after her father, meaning she put a huge dent in the family IQ, despite graduating from SDSU Magna Cum Laude with a teaching degree (Doesn't say much for SDSU, apparently) and I had to rewrite her resume and cover letter, it looked like a "What I did over summer" homework assignment.

Years later, she was getting married and I had to go to argue with mom just to get her to pay for the wedding. So I offered to pay for a week of honeymoon in any destination. She said she didn't want to go Mexico, so I offered up St Maarten, it looked beautiful and had casinos. Again, she said she didn't want to go to MX. I explained to her it was the Dutch part of French West Indies.

"Oh," she said, "Well then, how about Cancun?"

...and the prosecution rests it's case.

A few yrs later, she became a vegetarian and I came over for dinner one night. She had made a fantastic vegetarian lasagna that tasted like meat and the texture was like meat. I pulled it apart to see what was in it, couldn't believe it wasn't meat.

She also had a side dish of potato salad with bacon in it. When I asked her how that fits in with being vegetarian, she said that's her only exception, bacon, just couldn't live without it.