The Joke Thread

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

It seems in the Navy there were always guys with strange names.
One guy who's last name was Glascock, we use to call him Chrystal Dick. Another, his last name was Smart but he was a real idiot, so we called him Notso. The machinist I worked with who was German his name was Fink who was a jerk, so we called him Rat Fink.
There were more but that was 45 years ago.

Yep. 45 yrs ago.

Can't do that today cause it could injure their poor little sensibilities and ego.
Awww.

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

It seems in the Navy there were always guys with strange names.

You forgot one. What was your nickname?

[Tiberius]

Originally Posted by wsulli

TRUE STORY
While visiting my brother in Alexandria,Va when he was in the Navy, I was introduced to several of his friends. One was Peter Nuss, in the Navy everything you own is stenciled with first name letter, full last name (P Nuss) wow okay. Nice guy took the ribbing, since grade school in stride, but why would he even think to marry an Alice. (A ----)

When I was in the Army my roommate teased me about my middle name. It's Lee. I asked him what his middle name was. He wouldn't tell me.Luckily for me the Army sewed your full name on your first set of clothing, boots and belts. He didn't laugh so much after I looked at his belt. (Hi Ashley)

[D&D]

[socaldmax]

Current events...

LA craigslist ad.

1977 Millennium Falcon

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Current events...

LA craigslist ad.

1977 Millennium Falcon

No thanks! It's probably been vandalized by now.

[socaldmax]

"I didn't know you could fly a plane!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flXCWdhJnGY

[Tiberius]

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

"I didn't know you could fly a plane!"

It's not a plane, it's a vessel. And I'm a retired Machinist. I can operate most anything!

[D&D]

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.


The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[svmariane]

Just couldn't resist.....

[svmariane]

A man loses everything due to his drinking habits.
One evening he saw empty beer bottles on the table.
He smashes three bottles, swearing:

"My wife left me because of you!"

You are the reason I don't have kids!"

"You are the reason I don't have a job!"

He was about to smash the fourth bottle but realized
it was sealed and full of beer. So he said:

"Stand aside. I know you were not involved."

[Tiberius]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3

pennies to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking,

going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the
pennies and starts slapping him on the back.


The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help.


A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes
her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
extremely firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's
testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her
seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.


As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"



"No, IRS."

[Tiberius]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,

"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."

[Tiberius]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.




The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.