The Joke Thread

[JayCall]

True Story-right out of college in the early 70's, I worked as a controller at a large hotel in Myrtle Beach, SC. We had a lot of guests from the mid-west/upper Midwest. some of whom had never seen the ocean before. Early one Saturday morning, I was out on the pool deck while our food Dorector was setting up a brunch buffet. A guest came up from the beach and asked "Why s the water so much lower this morning than it was last night?" Our F&B Director, who had a pretty wicked sense of humor, replied "Well, they let some of the water out each night so the beach can be cleaned. It will fill back up in an hour or two." The guy just nodded, entirely satisfied with the explanation.

[nes]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

These 2 stories are from my personal experience.

About 1987 I was on my first sub, we had duty that day, as section leader I was topside wandering around, making sure everything was OK. I watched as a visiting CDR (0-5) came across the brow and our brow sentry and topside watches gave half assed salutes. The CDR asked for our Commanding Officer (also a CDR) and the topside called down below. Right after that, a 3rd class (E-4) torpedoman rushed past the CDR and acted like he wasn't even there. No "Bye your leave, sir!" or salute or anything.

The CDR got really upset and yelled at the topside watch to get the 3rd class back over there. He called him by name and he came trotting back. The CDR starts yelling at him and says, "Don't you think you forgot something???" The 3rd class pats all of his pockets, thinks for a second, then says, "No, I don't think so..."

The CDR barks, "Don't you think you should be saluting me?? I'm a CDR, outdoors, with my cover on! You need to salute me!"

The 3rd class looks at him for a second, then says, "Get some Dolphins (submarine warfare qualifications pin) on your chest, then come back and talk to me." He spins around, and takes off in his original direction. I almost burst out laughing, it was taking every fiber I had not to laugh out loud!! The CDR is now furious, and turns on the topside, who is openly grinning, and snaps, "Where the hell is your CO??"

About 15 or 30 seconds later, the CO climbs up the ladder and is smiling as he comes toward the visitor and says, "How can I help you?" The CDR snaps, "I want you to take that insolent little 3rd class to Captain's Mast!! He didn't salute me, and when I demanded a salute, instead of complying, he gave me crap about go get some Dolphins on my chest!!"

The CO looked at him for a second, broke into a bigger grin, and said, "Sounds like some good advice to me! Is there anything else I can help you with?" The CDR started swearing and stormed off the boat. The CO turned to the topside, winked and said, "Let me know if anyone else stops by!" and headed back down the ladder.

We both burst into laughter at the same time!




A few months later, we had duty again and it was about 0630, getting ready to turn the watch over to the oncoming watch section. I'm making rounds all through the boat to make sure my below decks watch, torpedo room and topside haven't missed anything, no alarms are silenced, special weapons are still secured, etc.

I get topside, and there are about 10 or 12 coffee cups all stacked up next to the hatch. The early morning brow sentry and topside drink a lot of coffee trying to stay awake, but they're supposed to make sure the below decks takes the empty cups down with him when he brings them a fresh cup. I chew the topside out for leaving a mess by the hatch.

I look down the ladder and see a hand reaching for a rung, so I yelled "DOWN LADDER!! to get priority before the CO comes by and sees the mess. I grab 4 coffee cups and pass them down below me, and yelled, "Grab these effing coffee cups!!" The hands reach out and grab the cups and set them aside. I grab 4 more and yell "Grab these effing cups!!" and he does it again, and again for the last 4 cups. As he turns away to put the cups down, I climb down the ladder to thank the other guy, and I'm shocked to see I've been yelling at the CO to grab coffee cups!!

I look around, and there are about 5 guys all standing there, laughing their asses off at this whole situation, because they just saw me yell at the CO 3 times and told him to grab effing coffee cups!! The CO puts down the last 4 cups and turns around, and I start apologizing profusely. "Sir! I had absolutely NO idea it was you! I'm so sorry..."

He smiles, puts his hand on my shoulder, and says, "No no, no problem! I'm glad to see that you're taking this coffee cup mess as seriously as I do, it's a pet peeve of mine. Good job! Carry on!" I told him, "Thank you sir, but I'll be more careful in the future!" He just winked and smiled.

For weeks after that, everywhere I went on the boat, you could hear guys saying, "Grab these effing coffee cups!!" and then burst into peals of laughter!

We (the entire crew) earned a lot of awards as a result of our deployments but it was because the CO was the kind of guy who everyone wanted to do their best for him. He always had your back and you always wanted to make sure you had his covered just as well.

Thanks for all of this! It sure brings back memories. (I was a sub sailor on USS POGY from 1978 - 1982).

[svmariane]

A little help, please. I admit to not having lived in the USA for many, many, years and am out of touch with local culture. So.....

1) What is a Gluten Free Haircut and why would I want one?

2) Does a Free Range Organic Haircut have anything to do with chickens?

3) Mark is obviously pretty good, so is it okay for me to bring a gun to the knife fight? ......

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by svmariane

A little help, please. I admit to not having lived in the USA for many, many, years and am out of touch with local culture. So.....

1) What is a Gluten Free Haircut and why would I want one?

2) Does a Free Range Organic Haircut have anything to do with chickens?

3) Mark is obviously pretty good, so is it okay for me to bring a gun to the knife fight? ......

Oh come on, use your head:

Gluten is the sticky stuff that holds bread together. If you have it in your hair it is much harder to cut, so the cost for a gluten free cut is somewhat lower than otherwise.

And the second item is also simple: Range Organic Haircuts have not been popular, so to bring them into the view of customers, for a limited time they are free of cost. But really, our range does not often need a haircut, and I'm not enthusiastic about things organic, so I'm not gonna take advantage of the offer, even for free.

I don't know much about knife fights, but here in Oz I think if you simply pull out a sword and shout "THIS is a knife" Mark would run away... you don't need a gun.

Hope this clears that sign up for you.

Jim

[Canibul]

I think if I dropped my wallet on 7th street I'd kick it to Broadway before bending over to pick it up.

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

Oh come on, use your head:

Gluten is the sticky stuff that holds bread together. If you have it in your hair it is much harder to cut, so the cost for a gluten free cut is somewhat lower than otherwise.

And the second item is also simple: Range Organic Haircuts have not been popular, so to bring them into the view of customers, for a limited time they are free of cost. But really, our range does not often need a haircut, and I'm not enthusiastic about things organic, so I'm not gonna take advantage of the offer, even for free.

I don't know much about knife fights, but here in Oz I think if you simply pull out a sword and shout "THIS is a knife" Mark would run away... you don't need a gun.

Hope this clears that sign up for you.

Jim

Actually Jim, you've misunderstood because the sign has left out some punctuation

The sign should read: FREE: Range Organic Harcut - $19:00

And the reason for charging for something that otherwise is free is that then the customer will value it and tell hsi (her) friends that they can get a Range Orgganic Haircut for only $19

[Ex-Calif]

I'm hungry. Let's eat grandma.

or

I'm hungry. Let's eat, grandma.

[socaldmax]

Woman, without her man, is nothing.


Woman, without her, man is nothing.


Punctuation matters.

[StuM]

So does capitalization. "I helped uncle jack off his horse".

[Canibul]

Originally Posted by StuM

So does capitalization. "I helped uncle jack off his horse".

Narcotics Anonymous?

[Therapy]

A man had lost an arm in an accident. He became very depressed because he
loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator
and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge
looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his
heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and
was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said
he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels
again.
Curious, the man with one arm asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Heart-warming stories like this just make one want to cry.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by StuM

So does capitalization. "I helped uncle jack off his horse".

"I helped Uncle jack off his horse".


I dunno, that's still pretty disturbing...

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

"I helped Uncle jack off his horse".


I dunno, that's still pretty disturbing...

As opposed to. I helped Uncle Jack off his horse.
Got it?
Not punctuation matters, but capitalization matters.

[captain58sailin]

It's just animal husbandry.

[Ryan H]

Originally Posted by jeanathon

As opposed to. I helped Uncle Jack off his horse.
Got it?
Not punctuation matters, but capitalization matters.

That's the first thing on this thread that got me to laugh out loud. Good one!

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