The Joke Thread

[Coops]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

Good one, Ms. Coops! 😊

Bloody hell! I wake up this morning and the first post I read tells me that I have had a sex change overnight. Tell you what though, it did not make me any better looking.

Coops.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by Coops

Bloody hell! I wake up this morning and the first post I read tells me that I have had a sex change overnight. Tell you what though, it did not make me any better looking.

Coops.

Yeah.... Women are pretty judgemental about their looks...!
But how did it make you feel?...)

[Coops]

Like a Dicken's cider.

Coops.

[BigJohn]

Originally Posted by Coops

Like a Dicken's cider.

ROTMFFLMAO ...

[Jimbo485]

I thought he was congratulating your wife, Coops, on her witty comeback.

Nothing about a sex change.


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[Coops]

In that case it went right over my head this morning. Nothing new there.

Coops.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Coops

In that case it went right over my head this morning. Nothing new there.

Coops.

Wifey B:

There was an Aussie named Coops
Who the missus post threw for loops
What the other poster said
Went way over his head
So now back to talk about sloops

[Coops]

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says; "It seems calm enough to me."

Paddy says; "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."




Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."

He spends an hour, figuring out how he can pick it up!





Paddy shouting frantically into the phone:

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"





Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop told him; "For God sake, Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"




An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing.... he's inconsolable.

His wife says; "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here, boy." he replies.




Paddy's in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the feck you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy, "but I couldn't feckin breathe."

Coops.

[Coops]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.


Coops.

[Coops]

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you ?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------


Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

Coops.

[Coops]

Duz tha speak Yowkshire?


A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.................................................. ................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bug ger!"

.................................................. .............................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

Coops.

[Coops]

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
_________________

Coops.

[captain58sailin]

Thanks Coops you always make my morning.

[GordMay]

"Mayday, Mayday, Mayday this is yacht Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, over"

"Mayday this is Solent Coastguard.
Can you give me your position sir, over"

"Solent Coastguard this is yacht Corporate Junket.
I'm a director in a small engineering company, over"

[sailorboy1]

Took me a minute to get it. :-(



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