The Joke Thread

[Weatherhelm]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.


Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . .. "My Rolex!"

[Weatherhelm]

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Was plumbing a maid by the sea
Said the maid "cease your plumbing, I think someone's coming"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "tis me"

[Weatherhelm]

There was a young man from Belgrade
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I'll admit, I'm a bit of a ****,
but think of the money I save"

[Weatherhelm]

There once was a lady named Pat
Who had triplets; Nat, Pat, and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
As there was no tit for Tat

[Weatherhelm]

I once had dinner with a king
whence he did a most curious thing..
he sat on a stool
pulled out his tool
and said " if I play, will you sing"

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Weatherhelm

"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . .. "My Rolex!"

Wifey B: I have a question about Rolex. Do they give you a better time? I mean they should with what they cost.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: I have a question about Rolex. Do they give you a better time? I mean they should with what they cost.

Nope, they are not as accurate as a good quartz watch - certainly no more accurate than my Casio (which is generally good to about 20 seconds a month).

[BandB]

Originally Posted by StuM

Nope, they are not as accurate as a good quartz watch - certainly no more accurate than my Casio (which is generally good to about 20 seconds a month).

Wifey B: No, I didn't ask if they kept better time....hehe. Do they give you a better time as in you have a better time? Just teasing...sorry....play on words. I like to play and I like words.

Wow, you're going to be off four minutes by the end of the year......better get a new watch every couple of months.

So....as Chicago would say, "Does Anybody really know what time it is?" Does anybody really care?

And why we're at it with Chicago Lyrics, "25 or 6 to 4?". What time is that? Funny how people think it's some drug thing or something but it's really about writing a song at 3:34 or 3:35 am. Hence 25 or 26 minutes until 4.

Of course nothing crazier than country songs. A few titles:

I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me

My Give-A-Damn's Busted

Saddle Up the Stove, Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off

It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long

I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here

Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

And just to prove country doesn't have them all:

Don’t Drop the Soap With Anyone Else but Me

Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Monkey

Jesus Chrysler Drives a Dodge

The World’s my Oyster Soup Kitchen Floor Wax Museum

Don’t Eat Stuff Off The Sidewalk

And from Roger Miller two of my faves:

First:

Well here I sit a'high, gettin' ideas
Ain't nothing but a fool'd live like this
Out all night and runnin' wild
Woman sittin' home with a month old child

Dang me, dang me
They oughta take a rope and hang me
High from the highest tree
Woman would you weep for me.

Just sittin' around drinkin' with the rest of the guys
Six rounds bought, and I bought five
Spent the groceries and half the rent
Like fourteen dollars and twenty seven cents.

Dang me, dang me
They oughta take a rope and hang me
High from the highest tree
Woman would you weep for me.

Roses are red and violets are purple
Sugar is sweet and so is maple syrple.
I'm the seventh out of seven sons
My pappy was a pistol
I'm a son of a gun.

Dang me, dang me
They oughta take a rope and hang me
High from the highest tree
Woman would you weep for me.

And:

My uncle used to love me but she died
A chicken ain’t chicken till it’s licking good fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to love me but she died

Who’ll give a quarter, thirty cents for a ring of keys
Three sixty five for a dollars bill of groceries
I’ll have a car of my own someday but till then I’ll need me a ride
My uncle used to love me but she died

My uncle used to love me but she died
A chicken ain’t chicken till it’s licking good fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to love me but she died

Hamburger cup of coffee lettuce and tomato
Two times a dime to see the man kiss an alligator
One more time round free the ferris wheel ride
My uncle used to love me but she dies

My uncle used to love me but she died
A chicken ain’t chicken till it’s licking good fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to love me but she died

Apples are for eating and snakes are for hissing
I heard about a-hugging and I heard about a-kissing
I read about it free in a fifty cent illustrated guide
My uncle used to love me but she died

My uncle used to love me but she died
A chicken ain’t chicken till it’s licking good fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to love me but she died

My uncle used to love me but she died
A chicken ain’t chicken till it’s licking good fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to love me but she died

And from the Statler Brothers:

I've been hearin' you're concerned about my happiness
But all that thought you're givin' me is conscience, I guess
If I were walkin' in your shoes I wouldn't worry none
While you and your friends are worryin' 'bout me, I'm havin' lots of fun

Countin' flowers on the wall that don't bother me at all
Playin' solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty one
Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo
Now don't tell me, "I've nothing to do"

Last night I dressed in tails pretended I was on the town
As long as I can dream it's hard to slow this swinger down
So please don't give a thought to me, I'm really doin' fine
You can always find me here and havin' quite a time

Countin' flowers on the wall that don't bother me at all
Playin' solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty one
Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo
Now don't tell me, "I've nothing to do"

It's good to see you I must go, I know I look a fright
Anyway my eyes are not accustomed to this light
And my shoes are not accustomed to this hard concrete
So I must go back to my room and make my day complete

Countin' flowers on the wall that don't bother me at all
Playin' solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty one
Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo
Now don't tell me, "I've nothing to do"
Now don't tell me, "I've nothing to do"

[Coops]

"If I could do it all over again, I would do it all over you."

They were great song titles. But this one is my favourite. You gotta pay attention to the words.

Pinkard & Bowden - I Lobster And Never Flounder - YouTube

Coops.

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: I have a question about Rolex. Do they give you a better time? I mean they should with what they cost.

Well wifey, as they say blondes have more fun, so a blonde with a rolex...............

uuuuh just to ask a non-sexist question, are you somehow implying that there are members of the fairer sex who would be impressed by such symbols of material well being? And be attracted to owners of said symbols?

Oh susan b. anthony must be revolving in her grave. Next thing, you'll be proclaiming that women also like some of the acrobatics expressed in fifty shades of grey.

I'm appalled. I thought you all just loved us from our minds.

I have a Patek Phillipe, a mercedes and a luxury sailig yacht - does that count?

[Coops]

I think that she could love us out of our minds to be honest. I have a can of Patek curry, a motorcycle and a daysailer. Do I have more chance than the Danish yuppie?

Coops.

[weavis]

Originally Posted by carstenb

Well wifey, as they say blondes have more fun, so a blonde with a rolex...............

uuuuh just to ask a non-sexist question, are you somehow implying that there are members of the fairer sex who would be impressed by such symbols of material well being? And be attracted to owners of said symbols?

Oh susan b. anthony must be revolving in her grave. Next thing, you'll be proclaiming that women also like some of the acrobatics expressed in fifty shades of grey.

I'm appalled. I thought you all just loved us from our minds.

I have a Patek Phillipe, a mercedes and a luxury sailig yacht - does that count?

I have a Patek Phillipe.
Jus' sayin'

[Jon Hacking]

Originally Posted by BandB

... My Give-A-Damn's Busted

Saddle Up the Stove, Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart ...

Do you know what happens when you play Country & Western backwards?

Your pickup truck gets repaired, your gal comes back to you, your dog comes back to life, ...

[D&D]

Originally Posted by StuM

Nope, they are not as accurate as a good quartz watch - certainly no more accurate than my Casio (which is generally good to about 20 seconds a month).

Our experience is the same. The Captain's Rolex (a gift as he's far more the quartz type of guy ) doesn't keep time as accurately as his (cheap, relatively!) race-timing watch. The Admiral says the Rolex looks better though...and the Admiral is...well, the Admiral!!

[captain58sailin]

I can get some fairly realistic wannabe rolexs here in Nigeria. I took one to my jeweler at home and his comment was "That is a pretty good copy of a $10,000 Rolex" I gave it to my then girl friend. I don't know what she wanted with a man's knock off of a rolex, but it made her happy, only cost me about $80. She is long gone now and so is the fake rolex.