The Joke Thread

[Coops]

President Obama received an email purporting to be from Osama bin Laden.

So he calls in Secretary of State , Hillary Clinton, "Hey I thought you told me he was with the fishes". "Damn!" says Hillary " Whats the message say?"

Barack looks at the print out and says " I'm not sure, look" and he hands her the message.

Printed on the page is this message '370H55V 0773H'.

"Huh!" says Hillary "its gotta be in some sort of code, I will get it over to the National Security boys straight away, they will be able to decipher it"

The next day Hillary comes into the Oval Office and tells the President " Sorry Barack but no luck, the National Security boys can't do it so we ran it past the FBI but no luck, even the CIA Black Ops boys are baffled by it.

We tried Naval and Army Intelligence, now theres an oxymoron for you, but they all bummed out so I swallowed a bit of National pride and sent it to the Brits, but MI5 came back with nothing so next I authorised it to be sent to the Direction du renseignement militaire in France, but nothing.... even Mossad have come up with zilch so as a last resort I tried our friends in the Glavnoye Razvedyvatel'noye Upravleniye"
"Who?" asks Obama
"You know... the GRU, the Ruskies, their Military Intelligence spooks" replies Hillary.

"Well what did they say?" Obama enquires.

"Sorry Boss, no luck there, they haven't got a clue either" Hillary admits.

"Well we have to know what this message says and whether it really is from that raghead bin Laden.....who else is there" Obama askes in desperation.

" No one Boss thats it.... Oh hang on .. we could try that Aussie mob. I think they are called Aseyoh"

"No thats A.S.I.O" says Obama " been meaning to call on them when I finally get around to visiting our closest allies, maybe in my next term of office, Yeah give them a try can't hurt"

So Hillary walk over to the fax machine, looks up the number for ASIO and faxes the page off with a hand written note. No sooner is the message sent then the machine prints out a one line reply.

"Whats it say?" demands Obama "They bum out too, that was just too quick"

"No" says Hillary "The Aussie have solved it"

"What !" yells Obama "Give that here"

So Hillary hands the page over and the President reads......





" Tell the President that he has the message upside down"

Coops.

[Coops]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no.
Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie is really ****ed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............ “A jazz chord to say, I ruv you...

Coops.

[Coops]

One for the World Cup.

My best rugby moment

Sitting in a bar in Olongopo City, Philipines, having a quite beer alone when in walked the most stunning woman I'd ever seen- Jet black hair, slinky, looked like a Spanish Princess, dressed in a tiny mini skirt, flimsy cotton top, no bra. I took a deep breath, emptied my glass, ordered another.Next thing she was pulling up a stool beside me.
She said 'hi', I mumbled something in return, she grabbed my hand and placed it on her inner thigh.'so, does that make you feel good'? she asked. I'll bet you feel good', she continued, 'in fact I bet you've never felt this good before'
' Well, I have', I corrected her.'you see, when I was 18, I was selected for the Navy apprentices interservice team, played in the final, I felt really good.'
Well ,I felt pretty pathetic saying that, and thought she would get up and go, but she took my hand off her thigh, and put it in the front of her top, and said 'how about now, I bet you feel ok now, matter of fact ,I bet you have never felt this good before'.
Unbelievably, I heard myself saying 'well, actually, I have. In that game, we were down by 6 points, 20 seconds left,our scrum on halfway, went the blindside, stepped around their fullback scored under the posts, 2 0r 3 seconds till fulltime, with me to take a simple kick at goal to win the game, and....' 'Ahhhhh!' she cried in anger, grabbed my hand , and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
She whispered " well tell me this, mr rugby man, have you ever felt such a perfect c...'? I certainly have', I answered, 'I MISSED THE KICK'

Coops.

[T1 Terry]

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:


Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!



I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese! Unbelievable!



I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.



You need help !!

T1 Terry

[Coops]

That is bloody awesome.

Coops.

[Chris66]

I was sitting on a train the other day across from a very beautiful Thai girl. I couldn't help but stare over the top of my newspaper, all the time thinking "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection"
............ she did.

[D&D]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you tothink people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's allget drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining theBuffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

[Paul Elliott]

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” -- Frank Zappa

[El Pinguino]

breaking news....

The sign language man at Mandela's funeral couldn't be understood by anyone because he had such a strong Seth Efrican accent..

[ooitn]

Fat and Ugly gal: hi there.. you married?
Man proudly : ya.. 8 years with 3 kids
gal: good... is time to flirt around...

[kjames]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside
service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[glenn.225]

Originally Posted by kjames

and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Second funniest one here next to the one about the dishes, but my wife does not like that one it's to close to the truth. She works a couple of 12 hour shifts a week and I'm home doing an on-line course.

[Cotemar]

Two engineers???

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, Looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,"
said STEVEN, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole
down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good
that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs
and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

[captain58sailin]

Oh, I heard they were working for Naval Intelligence.

[tbodine88]

1. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she'll rescue the infant without even considering if there are men on base.
2. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
2 a: Nice thing about Alzheimers is that you won't feel bad if you make the mistake twice.
3. Sometimes I lay awake and night and say "Where have I gone wrong?" and a voice answers back, "This is going to take more than one night."
4.The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
5.With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress
6.What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary
6 a: Every committee is headed by someone that loves to hear the sound of their voice.
7.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
8.Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps
or Sometimes it's nice to just lie down and enjoy the ceiling.