The Joke Thread

[Coops]

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss , press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

Coops.

[D&D]

> A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought
of beer.'
>

> Tim - 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the
more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
>

> Melanie -
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on
television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
>

> Grady - 'My
Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties.'
>

> Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the
more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a
good thing.'
>

> Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny.
He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'
>

> Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he
dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
>
> Ethan - 'I
don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the
sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
>
> Mary -
'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. Mom likes it, but she
gets tired and leans on guys and they have to help her to the bedroom
for a quick nap. When they come back, she is all perky and happy, and
the guys are all tired out.'
>
> Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to
the dog and he goes to sleep.'

> Brittney - 'I don't like beer,
but mom says it helps you get the guys you want, so I'll have to learn
to like it.'
>
> Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly
things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at
Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that
doesn't make any sense.'
>

> Fergie - 'My mom never drinks beer
when dad is home, but he sometimes does. Then she yells at him when it
makes him want to smooch. Mom only drinks beer when dad is away. When
it makes her want to smooch, she will do it with everybody, even the
Pizza guy, and he is weird.'
>

> Alice - 'My sister told me you
have to drink your own weight in beer before you start to like it. She
has some ways to go yet, I think. The guys usually ignore her until
they have had a whole lot of beer, then they get nice and play with
her.'
>
> Brad - 'Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it
makes you think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need
an awful lot of beer.'

[tropicalescape]

Originally Posted by D&D

In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.
You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Thank you for your cooperation.

The hell you say, that **** aint funny!!.................well maybe a little..

[senormechanico]

So you think you're having a bad day...




then you step outside of your house...


and look up into the beautiful blue sky...


…and see this!!!!!





All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your face and you say to yourself:


“Now that's a big ass balloon!!!”


…and things don't seem quite so bad!

[SV Sea Monkey]

Reading some of the tech threads reminds me of this:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pb7OWlV...%3Dpb7OWlVYYRw

[Lagoon4us]

Formula 1 commentator Murray Walker turned 90 on Thursday.

The broadcaster spent 52 years covering motorsport on television, and is one of a a select group of commentators - along with the likes of Dan Maskel, Peter Alliss, Ted Lowe and Bill McClaren - who became the undisputed "voice of" the sport that he was so passionate about.
Walker's passion is what always marked him out among commentators: as David Coulthard once said, "he made even the most boring bike race sound interesting."
But that passion also contributed to the other thing that made Walker a legend: his capacity for getting overexcited gave him an amazing ability to put his foot in his mouth at key moments.
So what better way could there be for Motorhead to honour his achievement in living an extremely long time indeed than by looking back at some of his funniest ever Murrayisms?
And indeed, that's what we're doing. Enjoy.
- - -

"Unless I am very much mistaken.... I AM very much mistaken!"

"Mansell is slowing down, taking it easy. Oh no he isn't IT'S A LAP RECORD."

"This is an interesting circuit, because it has inclines. And not just up, but down as well."

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

"The most important part of the car is the nut that holds the wheel."

"I know it's an old cliche, but you can cut the atmosphere with a cricket stump."

"Tambay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now."

"And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself."

"That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year."

"Here in Malaysia, it doesn't rain here by the bucketful, it rains by the ocean."

"How you can crash into a wall without it being there in the first place is beyond me!"

"Excuse me while I interrupt myself"

"And the first five places are filled by five different cars."

"And Damon Hill is following Damon Hill."

"Michael Schumacher is leading Michael Schumacher."

"Jean Alesi is 4th and 5th."

"Villeneuve is now twelve seconds ahead of Villeneuve."

"Frentzen is taking, er, reducing that gap between himself and Frentzen."

"This has been a great season for Nelson Piquet, as he is now known, and always has been."

"It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way."

"I'm ready to stop my start watch."

"Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin. Unless this is the action, which it is!"

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem."

"He's obviously gone in for a pit stop. I say obviously, because I cannot see anything."

"And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race."

"He is exactly 10 seconds ahead, or more approximately, 9.86 seconds."

"Look up there! That's the sky!"

"There's nothing wrong with his car except that it's on fire."

"I don't want to tempt fate but Damon Hill is now only half a lap from his first Grand Prix win and… and HE'S SLOWING DOWN, DAMON HILL IS SLOWING DOWN… HE'S... HE'S STOPPED!"

"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is fifth."

"He's the only man on the track, except for his car."

"You might think that's not cricket, and it's not. It's motor racing."

"And Michael Schumacher is actually in a very good position. He is in last place."

"One light, two lights, three lights, four laps, five lights, go, go, go!"

"That's history. I say history because it happened in the past."

"There are a lot of IFs in Formula One, in fact IF is Formula One backwards!"

"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does."

[carstenb]

I happened to be in Zurich and was going out on the town. So I stopped by the local drugstore to buy some condoms. It took a while, first we had to agree on the size (humongo in my case) then color, and flavor and did I want those little knobbies on it etc etc.

Ok, so XXL, liquorice flavor, no knobbies. Then the druggist said
"We have those in packages of 2, 6 , 8 or 12 - which would you like?"

I said, "2,6,8,12? Those are weird amounts. Why?"

"Well," he said. "We sell the packages with 2 to the swedish. Wednesday, saturday, wednesday, saturday"

Having once had a swedish girlfriend, I recognized that as true. "and the 6?, I asked.

"The six we sell to the jews. Sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday - saturday is the sabbath - so no nookie."

I once had a Jewish girlfriend and could relate. "Well the 8 then?

"Ahh," he said. "The 8 are for the french, of course. monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday sunday morning, sunday evening."

I'm a man of the world and having had french girlfriend ................

"But the packs with 12?," I asked slyly.

"The 12," he replied, "we sell to the americans."

"Americans?????" I asked astonished. I've had several American girlfriends.

"Well of course," he replied. "January, February, March, April....."

[carstenb]

a little from a poetry

[Coops]

I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
_________________

Coops.

[Sailor g]

These jokes really make my day! And I really needed it today! Thanks to all of you brilliant folks!

[Weatherhelm]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Coops]

Can this cat jump?

Amazing buildup to a cat jump. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[Jimbo485]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f***ed up your hair?"

[Celestialsailor]

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!"

* * * *

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!

But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes f**king nuts!!!

Women, I can't figure them out!

* * * *

A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born,
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."


The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a puxxy, not a f**king photo-copier."

* * * *

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees
her boyfriend in a flower shop.


"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is

in the flower shop buying me some flowers."


The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"


The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all

weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."


"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"

* * * *

Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We are making you a little brother."


The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

* * * *

Dear Dr Phil:

I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my

bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there,

arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

* * * *

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

[Don1500]

Pool side at the marina: