The Joke Thread

[Coops]

40 things you would like to say at work...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.


10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

Coops.

[Sailor g]

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" & suggested I go to the senior center & hang out with the guys.

... I did this & when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 78 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief Mother, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Good Lord" I replied, "I'm in trouble again ... I signed up for five jumps a week." She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.[

[senormechanico]

Originally Posted by Lagoon4us

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . .

'Here, iron this. Then get me a beer'.

The way I heard that one was with Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton meeting in an elevator.
The elevator door closed, there was an awkward silence as each one recognized the other.
Then, Hillary burst out with "Make me feel like a real woman"
Rush took off his shirt and said, "Iron this".

[carstenb]

Worth a look - especially if you are male...............

The Wine Opener


course - the fairer sex is allowed to look also -

[T1 Terry]

A chap was driving through the country and ran over a rooster that ran across the road in front of him.
He called into the farmer's premises to apologise for the mishap.
Knocked on the door.
Farmer opens the door and says "WHAT?"
The motorist admits "I just ran over your rooster and I feel it only right I replace it for you".
Farmer says "Just go around the back, the hens are waiting for you" !!!

T1 Terry

[Rhapsody-NS27]

Originally Posted by Coops

40 things you would like to say at work...

Coops.

I could use quite a few of these.

[T1 Terry]

When people ask what you learned today ....


Manure... An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golfing term.

T1 Terry

[D&D]

TERRORIST


SET FREE &


GIVEN A CAR


What in the world is going on?


Releasing a terrorist and giving him money and a car - what next?

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[Coops]

3 dogs in the vet
Brown dog
black dog
white dog

white dog asks the other two what they're in for

Black dog says " I keep jumpin the fence so they reckon if they cut my nuts off I'll stop doin it"

Brown dog says "when I get excited I **** everywhere and they reckon if they cut my nuts off I'll stop doin it"

They ask the white dog what he's in for

White dog says " well the missus came out of the shower this mornin and bent over in front of me, I couldn't help it I jumped up and humped her"

The other two say " wow you're losin your nuts for sure"

White dog says "nah I'm just here to get my nails clipped"

Coops.

[Lagoon4us]

In the Dog theme:-

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Dog biscuits in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Dog biscuit Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Dog biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Lagoon4us

I
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

ROTFLMFAO

[captain58sailin]

Too funny, I couldn't stop myself from laughing. I was on the phone with my boss.

[Lagoon4us]

Originally Posted by captain58sailin

Too funny, I couldn't stop myself from laughing. I was on the phone with my boss.

[D&D]

Setting your password:

Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.

Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.

Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working prettygood?
Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

No, you must get a new one.

I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Sorry, you must get a new one.

OK, roses

Sorry you must use more letters.

OK, pretty roses

No good, you must use at least one numerical space.

OK, 1 pretty rose

Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

OK, 1prettyrose

Sorry, you must use additional spaces.

OK, 1feckingprettyrose

Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

OK, 1FECKINGprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

OK, 1Feckingprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

OK, 1FECKINGprettyroseshovedupyourbottomifyoudon'tgive meaccessrightnow

Sorry, that password is already being used.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by D&D

Sorry, that password is already being used.

LOL

NO Fecking **** dude.