The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their
security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though,
security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when Custard Cream supplies all
but ran out.
Terrorists have
been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to
"A Bloody
Nuisance." The last
time the British
issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588,
when threatened by
the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed
Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any
other levels. This is the reason they have been used on
the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French
government announced yesterday that it
has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".
The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender"
and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,
effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching
Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgium does not have a
government, so is incapable
of having any warning level. All on holiday as usual; the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out
of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new
submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed
subs have glass bottoms so the modern Spanish fleet
can get a really good look at the old Spanish
navy.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly
and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two
more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations"
and "Change Sides".
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive
strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
Meanwhile in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from
"baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks
(the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers
flying paper aeroplanes and the
navy some toy boats in
the Prime Minister's bath),
New Zealand only has one
more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope
Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of
invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather
together in a strategic defensive position, called Bondi.
It might be worth noting that New Zealand would be
unable to raise an army as its soldiers are all currently
deployed playing orcs in the upcoming Hobbit
movie.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from
"No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more
escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to
cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is
cancelled." It should be noted that there has not been a
situation yet that has warranted the use of the final
escalation level.
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