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Old 10-02-2012, 21:02   #1456
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It's a tough duty but someone's gotta do it! That rules out margaritas or rum drinks- bummer! Oh well, wine works but I'll go back to supporting the global economy later. Can't live without Pina & Ron or Margaritas!!
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Old 10-02-2012, 21:40   #1457
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Re: The Green Thing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lancerbye View Post
This It really nails

it!!!

The Green Thing


In the line at the store, the

cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because

plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to

him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The

clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care

enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't

have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles,

soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the

plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same

bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we

didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs,

because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We

walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine

every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have

the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers

because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line,

not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power

really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their

brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is

right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we

had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a

small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the

size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by

hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for

us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a

wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble

wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to

cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised

by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that

operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing

back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of

using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We

refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced

the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just

because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back

then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their

bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi

service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of

sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized

gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in

order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current

generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have

the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old

person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young

person.

The Green Thing
How sweet it is!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:09   #1458
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Re: The Joke Thread

Would You Marry Again?

Us Guys can’t win sometimes!

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do..."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
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Old 17-02-2012, 20:42   #1459
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Therapy?

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd only allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands slowly and carefully inside.

She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
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Old 17-02-2012, 20:47   #1460
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Spam ads?

My wife had been hearing a lot about penis enlargement and one evening at dinner she suggested I should get a penis enlarger.

I thought about it for a while before following her advice.

Her name is Jenny and she's 24.
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Old 18-02-2012, 04:08   #1461
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by atoll View Post

Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale (or the bookies) ;and drink beer all night !
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Old 18-02-2012, 05:38   #1462
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Re: The Joke Thread

My girlfriend insists a small penis doesn't have to affect our relationship...........



She may be right but I'd rather she didn't have one.
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Old 19-02-2012, 18:54   #1463
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Re: The Joke Thread

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND

A woman was in a coma.

She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!? ' they cried.


The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked!'
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Old 20-02-2012, 02:42   #1464
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Re: The Joke Thread

this quote could apply to many a sailor...

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
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Old 21-02-2012, 20:30   #1465
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Re: The Joke Thread

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?
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Old 24-02-2012, 20:26   #1466
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Re: The Joke Thread

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT
SIR?


Cowboy:NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
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Old 24-02-2012, 22:48   #1467
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You're in the wrong thread-Sam Elliot should be in the Secret Pleasures thread!! Ahhhh! He has always been a favorite of mine.
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Old 27-02-2012, 17:20   #1468
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Re: The Joke Thread

Norman and Barry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Norman's parents’ house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, (Norman's little brother), gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet.

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'


His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'


His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'


His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'


His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'


He says: 'Last night, Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'
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Old 03-03-2012, 15:09   #1469
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Re: The Joke Thread

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when
He spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to
the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his
car .

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over
here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will
work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me
is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.

Doctor said : " Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "
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Old 03-03-2012, 21:39   #1470
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Thumbs up Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Troublemaker View Post
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when
He spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to
the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his
car .

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over
here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will
work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me
is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.

Doctor said : " Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "



This I really like!
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