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Old 31-01-2012, 16:09   #1426
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShipShape View Post
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by a couple of nuts.
Actually I think after 60 the nuts turn to prunes. A bit sweeter but still carry the seeds.
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Old 31-01-2012, 17:33   #1427
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ex-Calif View Post
Best joke of the year so far. Brilliant!
Dan... I can do better...


A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?".

The Princess said, "NO !!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after in Thailand and rode motorcycles and humped skinny long-legged brown skinned girls and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or divorce settlement and kept his house and guns and ate egg and chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on and all his friends and family thought he was a cool bugger and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and pissed outside when he wanted.

The End.
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Old 31-01-2012, 19:36   #1428
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by osirissail View Post
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
- - - - - - - - and - - - - - - - -
As a Florida senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on SR280. Please be
careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Unfortunately this would be much funnier if it wasn't so close to the truth.
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Old 31-01-2012, 20:31   #1429
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Re: The Joke Thread

After the North American beer festival, all the presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer a Corona. The Bartender dust off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says Id like the best beer in the world, give me the King of beers a Budweiser, the bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors say's I would like a beer only made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water, give me a Coors. He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says give me a coke. The bartender is a little taken back but gives him what he ordered.

The other Brewery Presidents looked over and asked him why he was not drinking a Molsons.

The Molsons President replies,
Well I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

TM
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Old 31-01-2012, 20:34   #1430
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Re: The Joke Thread

A fireman tells his bride that he wants sex when he comes home from the firehouse. "When I shout One Bell, it means get undressed. Two Bells, get in bed. Three Bells, spread your legs."

A few days later, he comes home to test his system.
"One Bell!" he yells, and his wife strips.
"Two Bells!" he yells, and his wife hops in bed.
"Three Bells!" he yells, and her legs part for him.
A few minuted into the lovemaking and suddenly his wife yells out, "Four Bells!"
"What the hell is Four Bells?!" the fireman snorts.
"It means I need more hose."
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Old 31-01-2012, 20:36   #1431
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Re: little Johnny

So in school the class assignment was to go home and ask your parents for a real life story and how that story relates to every day life. The next day the teacher asked little Suzy for her story and she told of how when her dad was growing up on the farm. And they were going to sell eggs at the market, when their truck hit a bump in the road and all their eggs fell off the seat and broke on the floor. The teacher asked "well what's the moral of that story" and little Suzy said "don't put all you eggs in one basket". And so it went with every child telling a story and concluding with a moral. Then it was little Johnny's turn, so he began with a story his dad told him about Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was an ex-marine, and one time when Uncle Bob was flying over the Veitcong when his chopper got shot down. Just about then Uncle Bob takes out his whiskey bottle and drinks it all down. The copper crashes, Uncle Bob staggers out in the face of 100 angry veitcong. He rips the 50 cal off the side of the chopper and mows down half of them. The 50 cal jams, he pulls out his two 45 autos and continues his rampage. He finishes off what's left of his enemy with his bare hands! The teacher was aghast and asked little Johnny "well what's the moral of this story" And little Johnny looks at her and says "Oh yea, don't **** with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking"
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Old 31-01-2012, 20:46   #1432
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Re: The Joke Thread

There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.
One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!!"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
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Old 31-01-2012, 21:14   #1433
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Re: The Joke Thread

Another Golf joke:

Q. How does a woman's G-spot differ from a golf ball?

A. A man will spend 20 minutes trying to find a golf ball.
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Old 03-02-2012, 16:55   #1434
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Re: The Joke Thread

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.
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Old 03-02-2012, 17:04   #1435
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Re: The Joke Thread

as the TV commercial for GEICO says "don't have a grandson with a dog collar"
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:00   #1436
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Re: The Joke Thread

I'm not a sports guy but thought this was funny:
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Old 04-02-2012, 06:02   #1437
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Re: The Joke Thread

The last time I saw my grandfather he had all kinds of tubes and wires attached to him.

He and my grandmother are well into some kinky stuff.
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Old 04-02-2012, 10:29   #1438
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Re: The Green Thing

This It really nails

it!!!

The Green Thing


In the line at the store, the

cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because

plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to

him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The

clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care

enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't

have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles,

soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the

plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same

bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we

didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs,

because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We

walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine

every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have

the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers

because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line,

not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power

really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their

brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is

right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we

had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a

small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the

size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by

hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for

us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a

wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble

wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to

cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised

by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that

operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing

back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of

using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We

refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced

the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just

because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back

then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their

bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi

service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of

sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized

gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in

order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current

generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have

the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old

person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young

person.

The Green Thing
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Old 04-02-2012, 18:07   #1439
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Greenie revenge!

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible
for getting horses banned from National parks State forests, was climbing
a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl
attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of
splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to
the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she
got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3
hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'what
took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor,' ... I had to get permits from the Enviromental
Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife
Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation
and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a
'recreational area'.... I'm sorry but they all turned me down.
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Old 06-02-2012, 07:43   #1440
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Costa Concordia jokes..Bad taste?

These were sent to me recently!


Cruise Ship 'Concordia'

I like my women like the Costa Concordia - Wet, wrecked and ready to go down

The captain of the Concordia claims he is not guilty of manslaughter -- he was nowhere near the passengers that died

Why drive a cruise liner onto rocks -- because you cannot drive it into skyscrapers

The last time so many Italians jumped ship so quickly was during WW2

Concordia -- guaranteed to serve a drink on the rocks .


Divers searching the sunken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar.
They told the divers to F^ck off as their cruise was 'all inclusive' and they still had twelve days left.

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