The Joke Thread

[Sailor g]

Don't worry fellow Americans, after a few day's they'd give us back!!

[skipmac]

Welcome to us, as long as you take on the national debt with the deal. I'm sure the Queen can cover that out of her house account.

[S/V Antares]

Have they acctually noticed that we separated a few hundred years ago? What with all the others issues thrust upon them by the Kizer and the lot.

[Blue Stocking]

As Danny Kaye said, when portraying Hitler in the comedy "I Was Hitler's Double",

"Zere vil alvays be un Englund, buht zey vil be driving VolksVagens"

[tropicalescape]

Look here Govner,I shall call the Bobby if you dont retract this...DVC

[shorebird]

Notice to Shipping:
All vessels entering or leaving Boston Harbor be advised numerous large floating objects are impeding navigation of the waterway. Some reports coming in are reporting the objects appear to be comprised of tea.

[Capt Phil]

A drover walks in to a pub in the outback in Australia and hoists his pet crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the group and says that in return for a drink from everyone in the bar, he will place his manhood in the crocs mouth for 1 minute and remove it unscathed. There is a murmur of approval fom all so he undoes his trousers and places his johnson in the crocs mouth.
After 1 minute he reaches over, grabs a beer bottle off the bar and smashes it over the crocs head. The croc immediately opens its mouth and the drover removes his privates and zips up his pants to the applause of all.
Then, as the drinks start pouring in front of him he says, "If anyone else will give this a try, I'll give them $100!"
There is dead quiet for a few seconds, then a small voice for a little blonde in the back of the bar raises her hand and say, "I'll give it a go sir, if you promise not to hit me so hard on the head with the bottle of beer."

[delmarrey]

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so ... Love the people who treat you right.

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
Have a garbage-free day!

[Canibul]

"In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary)."

(Her majesty should get someone to 'look up' some history about what happened the last couple times the brits decided they were in charge of our independence. she should also check and see if she has the votes from the Pakistanis who actually run England these days.)

Hey Delmarrey I really like that story. I know someone who will be cheered up by that in about five minutes when he opens his email. Thanks.

[Pelagic]

Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting
a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashes to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself !"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more
Than likely your last!

For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you
will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her
colostomy bag every 3 hours, she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a
day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...
The doctor snickered and said,

"I'm just ****ing with you, She's dead…What'd you shoot?"

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

,

"I'm just ****ing with you, She's dead…What'd you shoot?"

Best joke of the year so far. Brilliant!

[Capt Phil]

Pelagic... +1, CP

[ShipShape]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and readily takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past, the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by a couple of nuts.

[ShipShape]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it! Have a garbage-free day!

That's lovely, reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw, "Next time wave at me with all your fingers."

[osirissail]

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
- - - - - - - - and - - - - - - - -
As a Florida senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on SR280. Please be
careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"