The Joke Thread

[ShipShape]

Did you hear about the guy in a Hawaiin shirt and shorts that walked into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder? The bartender said "Oh, he's so cute, where did you get him? The parrot says "Key West, they are all over the place."

[colemj]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck down his pants.

Bartender says to him "Hey, you have a ship's wheel in your pants".

Pirate says "Arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Mark

[Glenn C]

The height of idiocy!


"In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed
$0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and
threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them
$0.Mark 00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error
and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account
it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a
bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be
as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps
to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their
own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed
his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the
gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank
could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of
their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and
unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps
to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at
the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he
had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the
outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show
cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher
court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been
processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer."

And all this over $0.00.

This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.

Who employs these idiots??

Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do. What is worse , they breed !

[Glenn C]

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
“God loves drunk people too you know.”


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

[bene505]

Generational gap

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced Tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Really?" Fred replied; eyebrows rising.

"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a poodle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids!" her mother called as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"It's 'The Twist', Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

"The freakin' dance is called the Twist!

[ShipShape]

How do you know when a moth has farted?



When it flies straight for a second.

[Geminidawn]

Sean, a middle-aged Irish tourist on his first visit to Las Vegas ,
finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam
asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"
and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do
with him.

She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola
has never, never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise
her. So the madam sends her over to Sean. The sit and talk, frolic a
little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He
whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him
as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything
a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man
wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to
teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Sean and says that she's the best in the house and
is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits in his lap. Sean leans forwards and whispers in her
ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

[Finistere]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken

ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam

to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat

them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"

[delmarrey]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up...so she took the crabs home for herself.

[atoll]

Kid opens the kithchen door and starts shouting his mam. MAM.....MA AAMAAAM..!!!! she calls back from the bedroom . "am up here, stop shouting and come and tell me whats up".. Little kid traipses through the kitchen along tha hall ,up the stairs ,across the landing and finally across the bedroom to where his mam is. "now whats up love " she says .. He looks at her ..... "Mam... av trodden in a big pile of dogshit , wheres the hosepipe"?

[Ironhorse74]

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card s and large bank accounts. But , .... ....the decision is all yours. "

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Oh. Ours is prettier," she replies

[Erik C]

After being married for thirty years, my wife asked me to
describe her.

I looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J,
K?"

I said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in my eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving my testicles.

[Pelagic]

American Football and the Blonde

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'


I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[Uncle Bob]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:


In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary). Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Hey I just couldn't help myself

[MarinerJo]

Originally Posted by Uncle Bob

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:


In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary). Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Hey I just couldn't help myself

If only...