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Old 15-11-2011, 18:04   #1306
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two sailors show up at the docks, each clutching a newspaper ad that reads "Round the World Cruise, only $300. They board the ship, a rusty old tramp steamer, which departs the dock. Before they even get out of the harbour, they are clubbed over the head, relieved of their wallets, and tossed overboard. The first one, rubbing his sore head, asks "I wonder if they serve meals on this cruise?" The second man, bobbing in the waves says, "well, they did'nt last year."
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Old 15-11-2011, 19:00   #1307
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Re: The Joke Thread

Definately a 'Newsworthy' endevour!
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Old 19-11-2011, 06:49   #1308
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old "boat"

If my body was a boat....
I would be looking for a newer model. I have blisters on my bottom, my topsides are getting dull, I do not accelerate like I used to, I smoke more than I did and it take hours to get to maximum speed. I hardly get out of the marina anymore.

But... The worst is ... every time I sneeze cough or spudder either my heatexchanger leaks or my exhaust backfires.
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Old 19-11-2011, 20:17   #1309
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Re: The Joke Thread

An elderly farmer is pulled over by a zealous cop. The cop is berating the old farmer for driving to slow, having worn tires, and on and on. As he's berating the farmer, he keeps swatting at several insects buzzing around him. "Whats with the flies around here anyway?' he says. "Oh" says the farmer, "those are just circle flies."
"Why do they call them circle flies?" says the cop. The farmer replies "Oh they're usually found circling the hind end of a horse."
"WHAT! yells the cop, "are you calling me a horses ass!!??"
"No officer, I have to much respect for the law to call you that."
"Well its a good thing" says the cop, as he hands the farmer a ticket, then heads back to his patrol car. Just before he gets there he hears the farmer say, in a low voice, "hard to fool them circle flies though."
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Old 20-11-2011, 00:37   #1310
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Re: The Joke Thread


Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when
You first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been
With your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
Anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
Your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have
Sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with
Your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
'F*** you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in
The morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your
Wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems Of my own!!
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Old 20-11-2011, 00:41   #1311
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Re: The Joke Thread


> The Sailor
>
> A young Vancouver woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
> life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could
> throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
> "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
> are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
> care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
>
> With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
> wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor
> brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment
> in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three
> sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
>
> Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
> inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
>
> "I have an arrangement with one of the crew," she replied. "He brings
> me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
>
> "I see," the captain says.
>
> Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
>
> "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Nanaimo Ferry."
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Old 20-11-2011, 07:49   #1312
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two brothers, one good, one evil, are riding together in a car, when it goes off the road, and both are killed. The good brother is welcomed at the pearly gates by St. Peter. "Here's your harp, welcome to heaven."
The second is met by the devil, who says "Here's your acordian, welcome to hell."
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Old 20-11-2011, 09:59   #1313
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Israelis are developing an airport
security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with
full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into
that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you
may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation
for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It
will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"****



BRILLIANT****

** **

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Old 20-11-2011, 11:53   #1314
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lancerbye View Post
The Israelis are developing an airport
security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with
full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into
that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you
may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation
for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It
will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"****

BRILLIANT****

** **

That should not be a joke.
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Old 20-11-2011, 12:34   #1315
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Re: The Joke Thread

Lancerby's joke reminds me of another "phases of sexual activity in a mans life:

Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly
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Old 20-11-2011, 12:35   #1316
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Re: The Joke Thread

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
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Old 20-11-2011, 12:50   #1317
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Irish Funeral


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss,
and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog
attacked and killed her."

He inquired further,
"But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."



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Old 20-11-2011, 12:55   #1318
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Re: The Joke Thread

Subject: Places I have and have not been

> I've been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots – as I recall.
> Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
>
> I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
> I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
> I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
> I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
>
> I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
>
> I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
>
> Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
>
> One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
> It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
> At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
>
> And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
>
> I have been in Deepshit many times. The older I get, the easier it is to get there.
>
>
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Old 20-11-2011, 12:57   #1319
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Re: The Joke Thread

the Jews ,Catholics and Baptist agree to see eye to eye..so they have a meeting...On the way to the meeting at a four way stop a Jewish,Baptist and the Chatholic couple run the stop sign and all are killed...at the pearly gates the jewish couple ask St.Peter"can we enter into heaven"?No says St.Peter all you Jews think about is money, look at you, your wifes name is Penny..go to Hell...the Catholic ask "can my wife and I enter the Pearly Gates"?..No all you Catholics think about is getting drunk..Look at you, your wifes name is Sherry..The Baptist looks at his wife and says "come on Fanny lets get out of here"..!
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Old 20-11-2011, 16:04   #1320
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Re: The Joke Thread

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
What is the speed of darkness?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder........
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


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