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Old 27-10-2011, 18:13   #1291
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Re: The Joke Thread

I stole this from another site. I hope you haven't seen it already.

A 'heads up' for us men who are regular customers of West Marine. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping .Simply going out for supplies became quite traumatic. Don't be naive and think it can't happen to you.
Here is how the scam works.
Two seriously good looking girls, 20 or 21yrs old came over to my car as I was loading my trunk.They both start wiping my windshield with a rag and Windex,with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say NO and instead ask for a ride to another West Marine.
You agree and they get in the back seat .On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.. I had my wallet stolen on March the 25th, 26th,28th,30th, twice on April 2nd,4th, 5th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming Saturday.So tell your friends to be careful!

Auto pilot is saying get up here and grab the tiller.
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Old 28-10-2011, 06:58   #1292
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Re: The Joke Thread

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old RAF flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Tiger Moths, then the early Spitfires.... flew a Mustang and Tempest in WWII, and later in the Malayan conflict, Hornets and Hunters. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping their coffee in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian

latest project
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Old 28-10-2011, 08:35   #1293
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Re: The Joke Thread

Geek joke:

Bartender says: "We don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos in here."
Two neutrinos walk into a bar.

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Old 28-10-2011, 09:12   #1294
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Re: The Joke Thread

"I am fookin despair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "


One of my all-time favorite jokes! One twist.... I heard (and have re told it a zillion times) it with a custard pie and the punch line as " Im f#@&ing disgusted!!!!! Classic both ways
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Old 28-10-2011, 16:22   #1295
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Re: The Joke Thread

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cabdriver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring..

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I' m sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Steve and I'm going to a Halloween party!"
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Old 28-10-2011, 17:59   #1296
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two Slobovians walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
The Nomad Blog Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call
Everything I know about cruising I learned from Travis McGee -
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Old 31-10-2011, 19:01   #1297
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q: What happens if your exorcism fails?

A: you get re-possessed!

Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful!
A nation of sheep breeds a government of wolves!

Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints!
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Old 01-11-2011, 19:56   #1298
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 Thanks- i needed that joke. Told it yesterday!
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Old 02-11-2011, 04:37   #1299
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q. What is the World's best Anchor?

A. A Rocna
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Old 02-11-2011, 06:32   #1300
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Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey View Post
Q. What is the World's best Anchor?

A. A Rocna
A very meta joke.
A house is but a boat so poorly built and so firmly run aground no one would think to try and refloat it.
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Old 10-11-2011, 23:51   #1301
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Re: The Joke Thread

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The redheaded nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature. "After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. "This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? "After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
Wherever we want to go, we go. That's what a ship is you know - it's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails, that's what a ship needs. But what a ship is...really is, is freedom. ~Johnny Depp as Capt. Jack Sparrow
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Old 15-11-2011, 08:27   #1302
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Re: The Joke Thread

Funny piece on The Onion recently:
Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues

November 14, 2011 | ISSUE 47•46

Gilmer (left) and several of the vastly more important issues he hopes to draw attention away from.

ENCINITAS, CA—In a completely inconsequential event that has already captured the imaginations of thousands, amateur sailor Michael Gilmer, 29, announced Monday he would be embarking on a sea journey around the world to actively decrease awareness of significant global issues.
Gilmer's expedition, which will cover approximately 28,000 nautical miles and bring absolutely no exposure to any urgent environmental or social causes whatsoever, is expected to last roughly 90 days and draw millions of eyes around the world directly away from events of actual, crucial import.
"I hope to use my lifelong love of sailing to take part in a completely irrelevant novelty stunt that in no way benefits humanity," Gilmer said of the non-news event that will needlessly cycle in and out of the top spot on news websites for weeks. "The goal here is to really make people think about a young, overconfident ******* on a boat rather than any pressing matters of substance that actually affect people's lives."
Added Gilmer, "Even if just one person reads a news article about my pointless ego trip instead of a story about the global financial crisis, then I've done my job."
The utterly irrelevant boat ride, which Gilmer plans to document by video so that people can oc-cupy precious hours of their time watching clips of a self-satisfied little **** in a cramped sailboat cabin as if it were an actual event of significance, will in no way address climate change, ocean conservation, unemployment, workers' rights, cancer research, or any wars or conflicts anywhere in the world.
Gilmer—whose inconsequential personal history thousands of Americans will actively choose to make space for in their long-term memories—told reporters he has been planning his meaningless and distracting journey for quite some time, citing his own completely self-serving narcissism as his sole inspiration.
"I saw so many people out there refusing to take time out of their day for bullshit media sideshow events like mine, and I thought, 'Something needs to be done,'" said Gilmer, whose circumnavigation will actually be covered around the clock by real, paid journalists whose job it is, ostensibly, to bring the most significant issues of the day to the American public. "The fact that I'm getting this much media attention already is a real blessing for me and literally no one else."
A number of major corporate sponsors whose only concern is to have their names attached to a big news story with lots of coverage have already pledged to donate a dollar for every nautical mile Gilmer sails, with the money going to help offset the cost of his travels rather than toward a charity devoted toward the betterment of the human race.
In addition, dozens of major news outlets have already promised they will act astonished and impressed by Gilmer's completely unconstructive accomplishment, a landmark that many, many others have previously reached, going back more than a century, and that is in no way worthy of nationwide, let alone worldwide, recognition.
"It won't be easy of course; there are going to be some rough winds and huge waves that I'm sure you'll hear described as though they were the kind of thing that had an effect on the famine currently ravaging Somalia or something," said the man who with every word he speaks magically decreases the number of words printed on the subject of AIDS in Africa or the potential for democracy in the Middle East. "But whenever things do get hard, I'll just remember what I'm doing this for and take comfort in the fact that the hearts and minds of literally thousands of people are stupidly invested in me."
At press time, something was happening in Washington.
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Old 15-11-2011, 10:16   #1303
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Re: The Joke Thread

AT last!!--something to focus on. Can't wait to follow this critical event.
Will take some personal sacrifices. Rescheduling events now.

1. Will not show up for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.
2. Will miss grandson's First Holy Communion.
3. Wife will celebrate 30th anniversary solo.
4. Hope none of my old buddies "cross the bar". Wont be there for the planting.
5. Will pay somebody to paint the bottom in the spring. (note to self--not the guys Lancerbye used in bottom paint thread)
6. Get beer, chips and
so many projects--so little time !!
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Old 15-11-2011, 11:02   #1304
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Re: The Joke Thread

Classic, Cormorant! Thanks for posting that.

"Your vision becomes clear only when you look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks within, awakens."
Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)
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Old 15-11-2011, 16:42   #1305
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Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by TaoJones View Post
Classic, Cormorant! Thanks for posting that.


Hear, Hear!!

Who knows what is next.
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Jokes, paracelle

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