The Joke Thread

[Underdog]

A solid German couple have a baby - the baby grows, and at 4 years of age has still not ever said a word. This worries the parents but they decide to let things take a natural course. One day as the mother puts food down in front of the baby, he takes a mouthful and spits it out all over the place. "This is disgusting" the baby exclaims. 'Mein Gott, you can talk, oh Carl, come quick, baby is talking." The parents gather round and make a huge fuss of the kid, then ask, "Why have you not spoken before now?"
The kid draws himself up in the chair, looks about and proclaims "Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

[S/V Antares]

Thanks Underdog, After working for a German company for 20 years thats soooo funny.

American:
It's raining
it's pouring
The old man is snoring
Went to bed Bumped his head
Could'nt get up in the morning

German:
It is raining
2cm per hr
the man is sleeping
Went to bed at 23:00
Hit is head
Was unable to wake up in the morgan.

British:
It raining,
Its pouring
The old man is snoring.
Went to bed
Bummped his head
Woke up with some strange chap in the morning!

[Pelagic]

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[GordMay]

A young man, who wanted to become a great writer said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft,
...
writing error messages.

[Pelagic]

TAX TIME

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

[Sailor g]

Ahhh! I think I know that guy- He has made me scream!

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by GordMay

A young man, who wanted to become a great writer said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft,
...
writing error messages.

Originally Posted by GordMay

A young man, who wanted to become a great writer said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft,
...
writing error messages.

Ahhh! I think I know that guy- He has made me scream! Oh great- I was sending this and a message came up
ERROR duplicate message

Was that you Gordy May?

[lookoutnw]

One of the best I have ever read!
Thanks Gord!

Originally Posted by GordMay

A young man, who wanted to become a great writer said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft,
...
writing error messages.

[S/V Antares]

Joke? Here's one "And on the 7th day MS made Vista!"

[Sailor g]

I was the butt of that joke. Took HOURS on tech support to remove it on my husband's laptop but I still am dealing with Vista on mine. Not funny MS!

[Don1500]

If you don't play games on your computer, try Ubuntu. It does everything Windows does, better, faster, and without the virus worries. All Word/Excel/Powerpoint files are compatible.

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Don1500

If you don't play games on your computer, try Ubuntu. It does everything Windows does, better, faster, and without the virus worries. All Word/Excel/Powerpoint files are compatible.

Thanks. No games for me. I always lose so no fun... like Vegas

[S/V Antares]

Two Threads walk into a bar, one was a drifter......

Lets not go there... this thread is too important.

[Bill Burgette]

Although really a joke, this has been circulated as true.

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.

The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

[Spongebob]

What do you call a blond with two brain cells?

Pregnant!