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Old 09-04-2011, 16:35   #1186
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Re: The Joke Thread

This may not be a joke but it happened to me on my last Doctor's visit.....really

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," I said , and proceeded to drop my trousers, revealing the
smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

Its length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just
came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the my part, she composed
herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," I replied.

She ran out of the room.
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Old 14-04-2011, 03:33   #1187
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Re: The Joke Thread

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went sailing.

****

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
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Old 14-04-2011, 04:45   #1188
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by anjou View Post
In the name of the Father, the Son, and into the holy goes.
my father can play dominos better than your father
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Old 14-04-2011, 06:15   #1189
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by naggi View Post
my father can play dominos better than your father
But your Mother's an Astronaut
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Old 14-04-2011, 06:22   #1190
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Re: The Joke Thread

Been posted at least twice before in this thread - but IMO just gets better


A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see which is the happiest to see you......
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Old 14-04-2011, 08:14   #1191
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey View Post
But your Mother's an Astronaut
Surely you mean.....
Your Mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries


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Old 14-04-2011, 14:01   #1192
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey View Post
But your Mother's an Astronaut
nar, she was pritty grounded
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Old 14-04-2011, 14:52   #1193
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
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Old 14-04-2011, 15:04   #1194
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Not much different then humans.
I always liked Clemmon's take on the difference:

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain


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Old 14-04-2011, 15:28   #1195
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Re: The Joke Thread

The universal dog’s philosophy, shared by every dog that ever lived:
“If you can’t eat it, or have sex with it, Pee on it!!!”
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Old 14-04-2011, 15:47   #1196
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Re: The Joke Thread

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball
players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what co-operation is? What a
team is?'

The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what
matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded
'yes'. 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called,
you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do
you understand all that?' The little boy nodded 'yes' again. He continued,
'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass', is it? The
little boy shook his head 'NO'.



'GOOD', said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your
grandmother.'
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Old 14-04-2011, 15:56   #1197
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two dogs beside the road copulating.
Little boy says to Mom, "Why is that dog up on the other ones back?"
Mom says," The one in the back has hurt his paw, and the other dog is helping him"
Little boy says, " Same old story every time, try to help someone, and you get screwed".
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Old 18-04-2011, 22:15   #1198
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Scotsman has been drinking at the bar and he is completely inconsolable. He is beside himself and so calls up his best friend to come right over. Well his buddy walks in and sees his friend in a terrible state of despair and begs him to tell him what is wrong. “Well”, his drunken friend says, “you know yesterday was my anniversary and me and Rose, well, we just got hammered and were dancing having a wonderful time when she tripped and we tumbled down the stairs. I tried to get her up but she wasn’t moving. It was then I realized that she was gone; that the fall with me on top of her did her in. I couldn’t think of what to do but at least I got her up the stairs and then I just put her out at the side door”. “Oh my God, says his friend, we have got to get right back to your place and deal with this". So off they go and as they approach the driveway, the friend of the despairing Scotsman says, “Good God what is that?” “Well, it is poor Rose, as I told you she is gone”. “Well, I can see that” says his friend “but why have you got her pants pulled down way over her bum like that”. Oh, that he says… well, I just needed a place to park me bike.
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Old 18-04-2011, 23:23   #1199
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two old pirates run into each other in a bar on the Barbary coast.
One says to the other “Arrr there matey, you look like you’ve been in the wars,
with a wooden peg where your leg used to be, a hook where your hand used to be
and a patch where your eye used to be, what happened?.

The other pirate replies “a shark took me leg in the Caribbean, I lost my hand to a cutlass
in the South China Sea and a seagull **** in my eye”

The first pirate says disbelievingly “you lost your eye just ‘cos a seagull **** in it?
The other responds “yeah, it was only a week after I got me hook!”
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Old 19-04-2011, 05:40   #1200
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Re: The Joke Thread

Irish guy in Mexico on business said to his Mexican host: “I thought we were going to play golf?” Mexican guy says “Aaahh, Manana” Irish guy says what does “Manana mean” Mexican says “It means not right now, if we get around to it, maybe later in the week, in the fullness of time, perhaps sort of thing, don't you have a word like that in Irish?” Irish guy scratches his head and says “No, I don't think we have a word that conveys quite that sense of urgency”
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