The Joke Thread

[bmiller]

When I was unpacking the Christmas tree to set it up this year, I found a present that I had forgotten to give the kids last year. You should have seen the expression on their faces when I let them unwrap it.


Poor Kitten…

[Bill Burgette]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by Bill Burgette

<snip>

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".

Funny joke . . . but it was funnier in the original, when the date was December 12, 2000.

TaoJones

[Brent Swain]

A frenchman was walking down the beach in the Med, and found the body of a woman who had drowned. After dragging her body up the beach, he ran off to call the police. When he returned he found another frenchman making love to the corpse. He ran down the beach yelling ." Monsieur, that woman is dead." The other frenchman replied. " Sacre Bleu. I thought she was American."

Brent

[Soundbounder]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook
the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down
pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is
terrible..'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

That is solid!!!!!!!

[multihullsailor6]

An old woman goes to the dentist.

When she takes her seat, the dentist thinks that she seems a bit uptight and could do with a little relaxation. Putting on his latex gloves, he asks her "Do you know you these are made?". To which she answers "No". "Well, in Mexico there is a factory which produces the latex liquid. The locals, needing some income, then come in, dip their hands in the liquid, wait for it to dry, then pull off the gloves and put them in bins marked small, medium, large on their way out". The old woman shows no reaction, so the dentist just starts with his work.

Five minutes later, whilst he in busy doing what a dentist does, she suddenly laughs out loud. "What's so funny?" asks the doctor.

"You see, I just worked out how they produce condoms".

[Soundbounder]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the clerk if they sell extra large condoms.
"Yes we do" answers the clerk, "would you like to buy some"?

"No" she replies, "but do you mind if I wait around here until somebody else does"?

[senormechanico]

Isn't this the joke thread?
I know the last few presidents we've had have been jokes, and we may be in for another one, but if political stuff is your bent and you're a sailor, maybe you should post here:

Sailing Anarchy Forums -> Political Anarchy

Steve B.

[Soundbounder]

Two guys are sitting in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first one says "my wife is so dumb, she went out and bought a car last week, but she doesn't even know how to drive".

"That's nothing" says the second one. "My wife started keeping a box of condoms in her purse, right after she told me she wasn't interested in having sex anymore."

[Charlie]

A woman goes to her doctor and tells him, " Everytime that I sneeze I have an orgasim."

"What are you taking for it?" asks the doctor.

"Pepper." replies the woman

[Waterborn]

A lady is timidly walking around the Pharmacy looking up and down the ailes. The pharmacist looks over at her and asks if he can help her. Head down she towards the back of the store and quietly asks if they sell Viagra. "Well of coarse, yes" he answers. She then asks "Can you get it over the counter?" The pharmacist pauses, and says "Yes, but I'd have to take two."

One more.... My friend took a Viagra and got the pill stuck in his throat. He had a stiff neck for four hours.

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"There are two things in that are infinte; The universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe"... Albert Einstein

[Spin_Drift]

This Is How People Get Rich...

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

[S/V Antares]

"Yes, and December 12, 2000 was the day five of the nine Supreme Court justices placed their thumbs on the scales of justice."

Would you like some cheese with that wine?

A doctor was staggering out of the upsacale restauraunt when the waitress asked him to sign the check.

As he fumbled with it the waitress said" Excause me doc but thats not a pen it is a rectal thermometer!"

The doc replied "Crap, Some asshole has my pen!"

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by S/V Antares

"Yes, and December 12, 2000 was the day five of the nine Supreme Court justices placed their thumbs on the scales of justice."

Would you like some cheese with that wine?

I'm guessing, from looking at your avatar, that you've already polished off all the cheese and drunk all the wine! It would have been a funny line, though, if you had typed whine. (This is why comedy is far too serious to be put in the hands of amateurs.)

TaoJones

[Chief Engineer]

True strory, I met a young lady today who works in an animal hospital. (she had her scrubs on)
I asked her " If you work in an animal hospital, why do you need a name tag?"

She laughed her head off....and left with me.

(This story has been copywrited)