The Joke Thread

[Bill Burgette]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.


'All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
asking about the goatee.'

[Capt Phil]

Two 'Newfie' fisherman rented a skiff and went out cod fishing. Minutes after they began jigging, they began to pull fish after fish aboard until, within an hour, they had almost filled the skiff. One said to the other, "this is a great spot... we need to find a way locate this spot again". With that, the other fisherman rummaged around in the chain locker and came up with a paint pot and an old brush. He reached over the side of the skiff and painted a large orange cross on the side. The other fisherman said, "what are you doing that for?" The reply was, "to mark the spot where we caught all these fish, you dummy!" The other fisherman asked, "what happens if we can't rent the same skiff again?'

[Bill Burgette]

Goodbye Daddy

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and
good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got
up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat
all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get
by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so
instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking
coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally,
midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late.
What's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle
of my lesson!"

[Blue Stocking]

Man says to his wife "Honey, to-morrow I am going to call the telephone service and ask them to give us a new number which is way different from the weather station"
Wife asks " What makes you think we are getting calls for the weather?"
Husband says "Well, this is the third time this week I have picked up the phone on the first ring, and a man's voice has asked if the coast is all clear"

[gbanker]

I WOULD GO WITH WELDING.

[kenny chaos]

Guy and his girlfriend are getting ready to launch their sailboat when
he looks up and sees a funeral procession going by on the road.
He closes his eyes, bows his head, and says a quiet prayer.
His girlfriend says, "That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen."
Guy says, "Well we were married 15 years."

[Johnathon123]

This thread is a joke!

[Pelagic]

So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said, Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Pelagic]

TRUE LOVE.

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[dacust]

That reminds me of another one:

An elderly couple sitting on their front porch.

Man: You know, Emma, after 65 years of marriage, I'm sill quite fond of you.
Emma: Eehh?
Man: (a little louder): I said I'm still very fond of you.
Emma: Eehh? Speak up!
Man: I said, I"M FOND OF YOU, EMMA!
Emma: (A pause, and a sigh) Yeah, and I'm tired of you, too.

[delmarrey]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed a while back. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey"
song, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble
started.

[Bill Burgette]

Awww, Delmarrey, I want my click back. I actually read that.........and smiled at the visual.

[delmarrey]

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

[Don1500]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'ALL You Need Is Love' bumper sticker, the 'Pro Choice' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to a Green World' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Peace emblem on the trunk, so naturally.... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless, what more can I say.......................

[moggie]

Don1500,
Wakey wakey!!!