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Old 23-02-2011, 11:41   #1126
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
Signs of my time ...
I was going to make a comment on that, but figured you'd have forgotten what you posted by the time I posted mine.

Just as well, though. I can't remember what I was going to post.

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Old 23-02-2011, 13:37   #1127
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Assault with a dead weapon

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'



Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'



'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'



'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'



'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?



'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.



'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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Old 23-02-2011, 18:36   #1128
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.


She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"


The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.


The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"


"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.


The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."


A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.


"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.


"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."


Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.


"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


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Old 23-02-2011, 21:54   #1129
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Re: The Joke Thread

Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Bloody Boat wouldn't start , can't figure out why , got a root though.
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Old 24-02-2011, 22:40   #1130
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Re: The Joke Thread

Teacher:

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?







Little Johnny answered:
Smo-King, Drin-King and Bon-King!
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Old 02-03-2011, 14:01   #1131
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Re: The Joke Thread

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he
says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Old 02-03-2011, 15:10   #1132
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Re: The Joke Thread

^^^^^ I want my click back.
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Old 02-03-2011, 19:12   #1133
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Re: The Joke Thread

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of


Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

I ' m sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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Old 06-03-2011, 12:36   #1134
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Re: The Joke Thread

A cop stops a car filled with old ladies and all but the driver seem terribly shaken so he approaches gently, “Sorry, ma’am but there is a law against going too slowly. The driver says, “I was going exactly the speed limit, officer. I always set cruise control and drive the limit exactly. We were going exactly 22 mph.”

The officer says gently, “I’m sorry ma’am but that’s a route sign. You are on Highway 22. By the way, why are all your passengers looking so terrified?” The driver replied sheepishly, “We just turned off Highway 121.”
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Old 08-03-2011, 08:46   #1135
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Lawyer Jokes

I love lawyer jokes, and thought a thread might be a good place to hear some new ones. My sister is a lawyer, so I am always looking for good ones.


A guy is at a party, and says to his firend " All lawyers are a**holes."

From accross the room a guy respnds loudly "Hey I resent that".

The First guy said "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a lawyer?"

Second guy "No, I'm an a**hole."
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Old 08-03-2011, 09:02   #1136
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Re: Lawyer Jokes

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Originally Posted by READY2GO View Post
My sister is a lawyer, so I am always looking for good ones.


"


I don't like lawyer jokes. My brother is a lawyer and I guess I'm sensitive to his feelings.

This is where Gord needs to do the, "let me google that for you" thing.

Kenny
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Old 08-03-2011, 12:46   #1137
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Re: Lawyer Jokes

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Originally Posted by kenny chaos View Post
I don't like lawyer jokes. My brother is a lawyer and I guess I'm sensitive to his feelings.

This is where Gord needs to do the, "let me google that for you" thing.

Kenny
My father is sensitive to lawyers feelings as well. Once, to a lawyer he knew, he said that it was unfair that lawyers get a bad rap.

The lawyer's response? "Yeah. it's a shame those 95% give the rest of us a bad name."

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Old 08-03-2011, 13:21   #1138
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a$$ and long legs who agrees with everything I say
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Old 08-03-2011, 20:59   #1139
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Thai Style

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.


As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side
on the bed and the nurse began the examination.


"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.


"I haven't got an erection" said the man



"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
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Old 09-03-2011, 08:38   #1140
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Re: The Joke Thread

A call to the Sportsman's' Hotline:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs
up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out
for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the boatshed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them
on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a
hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
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