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Old 04-02-2011, 11:32   #1096
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Since I'm a member now I got these FAQs from the AARP forum:

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: In a bookstore under "Fiction'

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone said menopause is mentioned in the bible.. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
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Old 04-02-2011, 11:34   #1097
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And these:

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
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Old 06-02-2011, 06:13   #1098
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Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.


Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
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Old 06-02-2011, 10:06   #1099
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An sailor was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him "hey Joe" and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The sailor took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the sailor took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The sailor said, "Look, I'm a sailor and travel the world. I don't have the time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog?!! Now that's cool!"
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Old 06-02-2011, 16:59   #1100
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We went to see a Hypnotist show this weekend. It looked good, he got 7 guys all nicely hypnotised ,then stubbed his toe and shouted "F*** me!!!" Well, I must say.... what happened next quite ruined the evening..!!!!
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Old 08-02-2011, 01:14   #1101
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A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, ... Beggars can't be cruisers.
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Old 08-02-2011, 06:40   #1102
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Women Are Evil By Nature
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.



She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.



She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.



As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.



"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.



"Actually, no," he replied.



"Can you get him for me?I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.



"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"



"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.



"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.



"Tell him," she whispered,



"There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."



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Old 08-02-2011, 06:52   #1103
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I was a mess when I was born. The doctor told my folks I was a throw-away.
I did learn to swim real good but I still have a hard time getting out of a burlap sack.
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:24   #1104
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Questions To Ponder

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your Butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
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Old 10-02-2011, 08:33   #1105
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So.. me an the missis went through a patch of deep depression a while ago .. we decided enough is enough and made a suicide pact ... Well it's strange really. After she went 1st , I started to feel a bit better. So I thought "fook it I'll soldier on". Am sure its what she would've wanted ......
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Old 10-02-2011, 09:42   #1106
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hehehehe
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Old 10-02-2011, 10:14   #1107
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Today's Groaners

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.


Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”


2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ….and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down.. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”


4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with– transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


5. Back in the 1800s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression — “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”


6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”


7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”


8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”


9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that… the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).


10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo (witch) who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”


11. An Indian chief nicknamed “Shortcake” died, but his tribe refused government aid for the funeral. “No” said a tribal spokesperson, “Squaw bury Shortcake!”



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Old 10-02-2011, 11:29   #1108
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Quote:
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that… the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Exactly when carried out to the 9th .
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Old 10-02-2011, 11:36   #1109
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Someone give me a bag, I found a smithereen.
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Old 10-02-2011, 12:03   #1110
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ha ha

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Exactly when carried out to the 9th .
works better with a blocked nose
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