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Old 10-12-2010, 03:42   #1051
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Not sure if this one is within the rules but here goes...

Blonde goes into a dept store buy a xmas tree. Guy on checkout asks if she's gonna put it up herself. She replies "no its going in the lounge u sick f***!"
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Old 10-12-2010, 18:40   #1052
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Thanks for the *** edit in the effort above Tao; I've got the idea now. Here's another (which is probably somewhere on this thread already):

Iri**man sees a sign outside a pub sayin: all y' can drink for $1. He slaps his money on the bar and says: i'll have $2 worth please.
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Old 10-12-2010, 18:55   #1053
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor ... In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
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Old 10-12-2010, 19:09   #1054
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Quote:
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Not a lot of people know this.
Unless they scroll up to post #1050 from yesterday . . .
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Old 10-12-2010, 19:15   #1055
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Unless they scroll up to post #1050 from yesterday . . .
What a relief, I thought it was a flash back!
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Old 10-12-2010, 19:17   #1056
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In the service we took liberties with "Semper Fidelis" (always faithful)
and made it "Semper Fi Scrotus" (always on the ball).
Except that would mean "always on the pouch, sack or bag" . . . should have made that Semper Fitestis.

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Old 10-12-2010, 20:20   #1057
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Humor can be done well w/o all the asterisks.

One of the Funniest I ever saw was Myron Cohen.

BTW my dream is to be

"a stand up philosopher" Like Mel "It's good to be the King" Brooks
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Old 10-12-2010, 21:12   #1058
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Two fish are swimming in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "You man the gun. I'll drive."
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Old 10-12-2010, 22:48   #1059
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The Daily Mash - BRITAIN FINALLY REALISES IT DOESN'T NEED STUDENTS
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Old 10-12-2010, 23:00   #1060
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Humor can be done well w/o all the asterisks.
Mebbe I was too subtle?
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Old 10-12-2010, 23:03   #1061
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asterisk- an early frost. also a lilyrisk, petuniarisk, and your roses are almost certainly goners.
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:24   #1062
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new electronics

I have been search to see if this was posted........or ****

Apple announced it's latest gadget. The iboob

It is a breast implant with built in mp3 player and speakers. $400 to $600 depending on the cup size.

It has been touted as a breakthrough in social engineering as men have always been accused of only staring at womens breasts and not listening to them.
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Old 11-12-2010, 11:32   #1063
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I remember getting that in an email. It had a great pic with it.
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Old 11-12-2010, 11:37   #1064
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I remember getting that in an email. It had a great pic with it.

I'll take it.
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Old 11-12-2010, 14:05   #1065
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Indeed.
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