The Joke Thread

[Chief Engineer]

Do you have any ID? (Idea)

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Charlie

God is really bored one day and he sees this Gondleier in Venice singing "Oh sal a me . . ." I wonder what would happen if I took out half his brain. The Gondolier sings again but he can't remeber the words "Oh sal a." "Oh sal a" God thinks this is quite amusing so he takes out another half of his brain. The Gondolier says, "O" then stops. He tries agian "O" Well God is having a belly ful of laughter. After awhile he thiks what will happen if I take out another half of his brain. The Gondolier starts singsing "Waltzing Matilda Waltzing Matilda ... " or " When Irish eyes are smiling . . . " or "Yankey Doodle went to town . . . "

So Italians start life with 1 1/2 brains? I don't think soooo - LOL

Ok engineer joke. An engineering student is walking across campus when his friend comes riding up on a bicycle.

"Where'd you get that bike?"
"Well I was walking by the gym and this blonde cheerleader comes riding up, jumps off the bike, rips all her clothes off, throws her arms out wide and says, "Take anything you want!""

The first guy thought about this for a minute and says, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[Charlie]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

So Italians start life with 1 1/2 brains? I don't think soooo - LOL

He starts singing the full songs with an 1/8 of his original brain. 1* 1/2= 1/2 >>> 1/2 * 1/2= 1/4 >>> 1/2*1/4= 1/8 I usually throw in the math when telling the joke but I figured this audience wouldn't need me (an English Major) to do the math. What's your line of work? tease tease tesase

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Charlie

1* 1/2= 1/2 >>> 1/2 * 1/2= 1/4 >>> 1/2*1/4= 1/8

Oh a math joke...

An mathematician and a sales guy were offered this proposition.

"You start off in a dance hall on opposite sides of the room to a spectacularly beautiful woman. Each time the music stops you both move half the distance towards each other. How many songs will it take for you to get the girl?"

The mathematician immediately says, "Never. It is impossible to every touch the woman."

The sales guy says, "Welll after 6 songs we'll be close enough for anything I need."

<groan>

Ok - I'll try to redeem myself.

The engineers went on spring break and being on a budget they took the train. In the car with them was a group of marketing majors. The marketing guys noticed that the engineers had only bought one ticket.

"You guys are screwed. The conductor is coming!"

The engineers all crowded into the toilet. When the engineer came along and knocked on the door, "Ticket please." The engineers pushed the ticket under the door, the conductor clipped it and pushed it back. After the conductor left they all piled out.

On the way back the marketing guys had purchased only one ticket having learned the trick from the engineers. The engineers, however, had no ticket at all.

"You guys are screwed. The conductor is coming." The engineers piled into one toilet and the marketing guys piled into another.

Just before the conductor arrived in the carriage one of the engineers went to the other toilet door, knock-knock. "Ticket please."

[44'cruisingcat]

A tourist is in a sleepy Mexican village, when he realises he has forgotten to wear his watch. He sees a local sleeping in the shade cast by his donkey, and decides to ask him the time.

When asked the time, the local sleepily reaches up and lifts the donkey's testicles in his hand and says "Twelve thirty senor"

The tourist is amazed, and rushes to tell his friends about the Mexican who can tell the time from the weight of his donkey's testicles!

They all rush back to see, and ask him the time again. Again he lifts the donkeys testicles and this time he says "12:45 senor"

The tourists are all amazed, and one has to know how he can tell the time by lifting his donkeys testicles, so he asks.

The Mexican lifts the testicles again and says "See that clock over there?"

[mmckee1952]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Ohio. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye---enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

[multihullsailor6]

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbows push buttom 14T. I will buzz you in."

"Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"Your coming empty handen?"

[Bradley]

How much longer is this guy's life?

�

[Brent Swain]

A redneck is someone who believes the Greeks stole the name "Athens" from Athens Georgia, or that South Americans stole the name their continent from the US.
Brent

[GordMay]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

*
*
*
*

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[mmckee1952]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips
to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like
most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1.June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers
he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the
bedding department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:My Favorite
Darted around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming theMission Impossible' theme ..

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME!

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

[Bill Burgette]

Do you have any ID?

??.... "Bout what?

[Ex-Calif]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook
the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down
pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is
terrible..'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

[Chief Engineer]

Five Arrrrgghs!!!!!!!!!!!!irate:

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook
the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down
pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is
terrible..'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

[bmiller]

When I was unpacking the Christmas tree to set it up this year, I found a present that I had forgotten to give the kids last year. You should have seen the expression on their faces when I let them unwrap it.


Poor Kitten…