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Old 14-10-2010, 11:47   #976
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Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.

Werner Heisenburg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" To which Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."

The bartender then noticed Albert Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."

Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."

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"If you didn't have the time or money to do it right in the first place, when will you get the time/$ to fix it?"

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Old 14-10-2010, 12:10   #977
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Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q:Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger, women who are interested in them?

A:Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?

A:Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .."

Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?

A:Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A:Take off your glasses.

Q:Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A:Go bra less. It will usually pull them out..

Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A:On their foreheads.

Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A:"Gosh, I remember these!"


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Old 14-10-2010, 13:15   #978

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A Frenchman,walking down the beach in the med, found the body of a woman who had drowned. He dragged the body up the beach and ran off to find a cop. By the time he got back, another Frenchman was making love to the corpse. He ran down the beach shouting "Monsieur , that woman is dead." The other Frenchman said "Sacre Bleu. I thought she was American."
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Old 17-10-2010, 18:57   #979
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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

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Old 17-10-2010, 20:41   #980
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Originally Posted by nirmal View Post
This is a good one. I read this couple of days back in book of Sailors.

How much did the pirate pay for his peg-leg and hook? An arm and a leg...
And he bought his corn for a Buck An Ear.
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Old 18-10-2010, 12:19   #981

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"To do is to be "
"To be is to do"
" Doobe, Doobe, Doobe, Doo"
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Old 18-10-2010, 12:49   #982
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Originally Posted by Brent Swain View Post
"To do is to be "
"To be is to do"
" Doobe, Doobe, Doobe, Doo"
You can assess any position in philosophy by the relationship it proposes between being and knowing.
The Western emphasis, going back to Hellenestic Greece, has been on epistemology - what we know, determines who we are.

"To Do Is To Be" -- Socrates \ Nietzsche \ Sartre
"To Be Is To Do" -- Plato \ Kant
"Do Be Do Be Do" -- Sinatra (uncontested)
"Ya Ba Da Ba Do" -- Flintstone

Thanks, Brent.
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Old 19-10-2010, 10:20   #983
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
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Old 19-10-2010, 10:34   #984
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A plane is on its way to Texas when a woman in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the woman that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The woman replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going home to Texas and I’m going to stay right here!”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going home to Texas and I’m staying right here!”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the dumb woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says “You say she is blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the woman, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry,” gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy Section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her First Class wasn’t going to Texas.”
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Old 19-10-2010, 12:17   #985
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
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Old 21-10-2010, 02:09   #986
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Woman and ball games...

I don't know whether this is new or what, but I heard it in China.

Lady age:

20-30: soccer, over 20 man after 1 ball
30-40: Basket ball, 10 to a ball
40-50: Tennis Ball, pushing away hard by 4 people...
above 60: can you guess...

..Ping Pong...nope

G.O.L.F....Hit as far as can be.

P.S Ex-Calif hope to catch up with you when I return to Sg sometime next year. Sail is only in my dream now.
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Old 21-10-2010, 03:35   #987
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A brunette, a redhead and a blond find themselves stuck in the middle of the desert with their engine broken. After a few minutes of panic, they decide to take whatever they can carry from the jeep and try to walk their way out.

The brunette grabs the water bottle, the redhead takes the last bag of chips and the blonde rips the door of the jeep off.

After walking for a while, the brunette finally cracks and asks the inevitable question to the blonde :

"I took the water bottle in case we get thirsty, Christine got the chips in case we get hungry. Now, why do you carry that door?"

"If we get hot, I'll crack the window open" the blonde replies...
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Old 21-10-2010, 03:36   #988
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What do you call a blonde with a brunette wig?

Artificial intelligence
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Old 22-10-2010, 09:49   #989
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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus 
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, 
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg 

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the 
second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind 
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing 
behind her picked her up easily by the waist 
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 
'How dare you touch my body! I don't 
even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, 
I kinda figured we were friends.”
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Old 24-10-2010, 16:27   #990
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Fact of Life

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says


We are all in the same boat. Be happy that not everyone is on your side.
Always bear in mind that I am total newbie .
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