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Old 18-09-2010, 20:47   #961
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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

Now if this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."



The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Old 24-09-2010, 00:15   #962
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The following is supposedly a documented conversation between the USS Lincoln and a Canadian "vessel"....

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

I found this on yachtforums
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Old 24-09-2010, 08:16   #963
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matthewsmith View Post
The following is supposedly a documented conversation between the USS Lincoln and a Canadian "vessel"....

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

I found this on yachtforums
This "joke" appears in this thread several times, because there will always be someone who comes across it for the first time. Just so you're aware, Matthew, here's a little information you might want:

snopes.com: Lighthouse and Aircraft Carrier
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Old 27-09-2010, 12:50   #964
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Honey, she said with a straight face, if we got a bowthruster wouldn't we point up better.
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Old 27-09-2010, 13:01   #965
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoJones View Post
This "joke" appears in this thread several times, because there will always be someone who comes across it for the first time. Just so you're aware, Matthew, here's a little information you might want:

snopes.com: Lighthouse and Aircraft Carrier
.... or you can watch it on YouTube

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Old 29-09-2010, 20:20   #966
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A lady was walking and a frog jumped up and said "Good evening, would you kiss me?"

She asked if he would turn into a charming prince.

He answered that he was a little different and would turn into a genie and grant her three wishes.

She kissed him and the frog turned into a genie. The genie said, "There is one catch - whatever you ask of me, your husband will get ten times over."

For her first wish, she asked to be turned into the most beautiful woman in the world. The genie admonished her that he could do just that but that her husband would be by far the most handsome man in the world and she would have hundreds of women hitting on him. She said that their relationship was strong enough to withstand that and poof, she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Secondly, she wanted a hundred million dollars. The genie said that would be doable, but now her husband would be irresistably handsome and a billionaire. No problem, their marriage could take it, poof and a wire transfer.

The genie asked what she wanted for her third wish.

She said she wanted to have a mild heart attack.
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Old 30-09-2010, 06:40   #967
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“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” ~ Jay Leno

Q: How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's too early to say if the lightbulb needs changing.

Q: How many climate sceptics does it take not to change a lightbulb?
A: Approximately 100. One to say that the current absence of light is the result of natural solar cycles and the other 99 to disseminate this finding through their 'science organisations' and oil industry funded think tanks.

A meteorologist took a job in another part of the country. When asked why he transferred, he replied, "The climate didn't agree with me."
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Old 30-09-2010, 07:33   #968
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The genie asked what she wanted for her third wish.

She said she wanted to have a mild heart attack.
I heard a version about fornicating half to death but this is a family forum so...

I wish to be scared half to death...
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Old 03-10-2010, 21:35   #969
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A Funeral

Homeless Man's Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
>to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
>so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As
>I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't
>stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
>evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
>and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for
>being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
>already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
>out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've
>never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the
>workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished
>I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart
>was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
>tanks for twenty years."
>



>Apparently I'm still lost....

By the roll......................slow................marc h

I was lead drummer in a Pipe Band....Kilts are great!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a real chick magnet
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Old 08-10-2010, 13:25   #970
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Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres , Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush....."
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Old 08-10-2010, 18:21   #971
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Okay. Since were bashing Mexicans today...

An Italian, French and a Mexican went for a job interview in the States.

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow..

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day.."

"Well, ok, good. Thank you."

The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on TV..

"Ok. Better. And you sir?"

Last was the Mexican, : "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone go green-green, I pink it up and say Yellow."
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Old 08-10-2010, 18:35   #972
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Movie producer calls Stallone, Arny and Jean-Claude together and sells them on making a musical tough-guy film. Twist is that their characters must be based on famous classical composers. Stallone says"I'll be Beethoven". Jean-Claude says "I shall be Wagner"
Arny says "I'LL BE BACH"
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Old 08-10-2010, 18:41   #973
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Hill-billy young-un comes homes from school, and Pa asks "Boy, did y'all learn anithin in school tuday?"
Boy says "ah learnt Pi r sq"
Pa goes up side his head, and says "y'all goin to a difrunt school tamorra, Everybody knows Pi r round, cornbread r sq"

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Old 08-10-2010, 20:31   #974
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That joke was old when Tom Jefferson told it to Benny Franklin
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Old 09-10-2010, 05:25   #975
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That joke was old when Tom Jefferson told it to Benny Franklin
See what I meen--country boys
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