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Old 29-06-2010, 05:07   #901
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DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown
and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room
, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues.
'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says
...

'I would have been RELEASED today.'

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Old 09-07-2010, 12:51   #902
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"




The man turned to his wife and said,



"Open your mouth Honey, and show him."




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Old 11-07-2010, 09:36   #903
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GordMay - wait a minute that is not a joke . . . I always tell the doctors basically the same thing as I have to translate from my wife's language into English for the doctor. And saving some money (Scottish heritage) by skipping the anesthetics sounds reasonable to me.
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Old 13-07-2010, 23:22   #904
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*The Last** **Goodbye*



A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy Moly!' thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!"
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Old 15-07-2010, 20:03   #905
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the tow boat (not so much funny as amazing)

towboat


Dont mind the pictures it was quite a while ago
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Old 15-07-2010, 23:56   #906
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A prfiest a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?" Biddi-boom!
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Old 16-07-2010, 05:47   #907
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sailstoo View Post
A priest a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar...
The priest turns to the others saying, I didn’t see it either.
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Old 19-07-2010, 08:38   #908
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When you turn 40 you wear XL Sized Clothes..I Know...hehe!

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Old 19-07-2010, 08:50   #909
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Did you hear about the Aussie who pondered about the white kiwi bloke?




He didn't actually....you must have been mistaken.
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Old 20-07-2010, 04:20   #910
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Last week was my 50th birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me? I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'


We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?'


I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said,' Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back. Ok.' I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there....


On the couch... Bollock naked
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Old 20-07-2010, 04:23   #911
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.
After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel , the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use .


"But we didn't use them" I say

''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here, " the Manager says.

" But we didn't go to any of those shows, "

" Well, we have them, and you could have, " the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, "'But we didn't use it! "

The Manager is unmoved and eventually I give up and agree to pay. I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.


" But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''

"That's correct, I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"'But I didn't! " exclaims the Manager.

"'Well, too bad, she was here and you could have. "
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Old 20-07-2010, 04:25   #912
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It takes just

£1

On a boring Sunday afternoon ....




... To really piss someone off on Monday morning!
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Old 21-07-2010, 13:21   #913
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my aunt is not a blond...we hope

my uncle and my aunt are sitting around on the porch one day, when my uncle turns to her and says. "I got my summer air changed today" she cocks and eyebrow and snickers. "what?" she asks. "I got my summer air taken out of my tires, and had them refilled with winter air" he says with a straight face. "what the hell does that mean?" she asks. "well, if you don't change out your air, your summer air will freeze and split your tires." he said. He works in an auto-parts store, so she assumed that he must know what he's talking about.

two hours later she's at a wallmart tire center screaming for a manager because the men working there refused to drain her tires of summer air and refill them with winter air.
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Old 21-07-2010, 13:49   #914
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Doctors List Best Colonoscopie Lines

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before?

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.
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Old 22-07-2010, 22:12   #915
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New Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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