The Joke Thread

[Spin_Drift]

Originally Posted by Kai Nui

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't ! let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Good one... Thanks...

.

[mmckee1952]

RAISIN Bread"
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread
behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the
raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the
very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having
company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what
was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty
soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,

"Is it raisin for you too?

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quivering'!!!

[mmckee1952]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!


Merry Christmas!!!!

[mmckee1952]

Sometimes it pays to be old


No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

[Brent Swain]

[quote=delmarrey;232432]A Republican?

I've been informed that it's OK to trash immigrants here, but not rednecks.
Brent

[Brent Swain]

An old veteran was teaching kids how to shoot. A lady said "You are equiping them to be killers." The veteran said "Look lady, You are equipped to be a prostitute, but you aren't one, are you?"
Brent

[Brent Swain]

My brother was driving with his 5 year old daughter , who was learning to read. They drove by a McDonalds, and his daughter asked " Dad, What does 5 million survived mean?"
Brent

[mmckee1952]

Subject: Fwd: Blonde.. crying





A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'


The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

[Connemara]

YouTube - SUV Accident - This is so Funny

This killed me when I first saw it. I was so convinced they were gonna roll it over and catch someone underneath. Then when it took off .....



Connemara

[mmckee1952]

Tim and Sway were out fishing one day on Gull lake. Sometime passes when Sway wants to light up his pipe, so being nice Sway moves to front of the the boat. Sway reaches in every pocket, pats his chest and can not find a lighter. He asks Tim "do you have a lighter." Tim says "I got one in my tackle box."

Sway finds the tackle box and starts to root though it and finds the biggest lighter he has ever seen. Tim, Tim, he say's "Thats the biggest light I have ever seen where did you get that." Tim says from my Genie. Sway says what the H** you don't have a Genie. Tim says "yes I do, I keep him right here in a Mason jar." Sway says "you are so full of crap Tim." Tim says "NO, NO, I really do have a Genie and he's old and cranky and hard of hearing just like you."

Tim then hands Sway the Mason jar and says 'see for yourself." Sway takes the lid off the jar and out comes the Genie. The Genie says to Sway in a grumpy old tone "So what do you want me to do for you." Sway says to Tim, "Tim, Tim there is a Genie here. Tim said I told you so, go ahead make a wish if you think I am full of crap.

Sway then says to the Genie, "I would like a million bucks." There is a rumble from over head and the sky turns dark. One duck after another starts to land on Gull lake. Before long the lake was thick with ducks so much so, you could walk to the shore on their backs. Sway say's what the H**, "I asked for a million bucks."

Tim say's I told you he was hard of hearing. You didn't think I asked for a 12 inch Bic did you?"

[delmarrey]

[quote=Brent Swain;233973]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

A Republican?

I've been informed that it's OK to trash immigrants here, but not rednecks.
Brent

Rednecks are someone that copy jokes and change them to fit an agenda.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ...

Del and Brent. Keep it civil. If you find a joke to be innappropriate for this forum, please report it. If you find it just distastful, please ignore it. And please, limit the political jokes.

[Charlie]

Dolly \Paroin and the Queen die on the same day. St Peter is at the Pearly Gates and says "I'm sorry but there is only one space left today. Tell me why we should let you in."

Dolly undoes her blouse and shows off her boobs. "God will like to see these most perfect creations that he made."

St Peter says, "I see your point."

The Queen asks for a bottle of Seltzer water. Swigs some in her mouth and then spits into the bowl and flushes the toilet. "You're right your Majesty. You get the last spot."

Dolly is most upset and asks St. Peter why she wasn't allowed in.

St Peter responds "Everyone knows a royal flush beats any pair."

[Charlie]

God is really bored one day and he sees this Gondleier in Venice singing "Oh sal a me . . ." I wonder what would happen if I took out half his brain. The Gondolier sings again but he can't remeber the words "Oh sal a." "Oh sal a" God thinks this is quite amusing so he takes out another half of his brain. The Gondolier says, "O" then stops. He tries agian "O" Well God is having a belly ful of laughter. After awhile he thiks what will happen if I take out another half of his brain. The Gondolier starts singsing "Waltzing Matilda Waltzing Matilda ... " or " When Irish eyes are smiling . . . " or "Yankey Doodle went to town . . . "

[Brent Swain]

A guy was running down the street when he came up to a nun. He said to the nun" They are after me. I don't want to go to Afghanistan. Can I hide under your dress?" The nun said "Sure." A few minutes later a couple of soldiers ran up and asked the nun " Did you ee a guy runniung by here?" The nun said "He went that way." They ran off.
After they had left, the guy climbed out from under her dress and said "Thank you sister. You saved my life. I didn't want to go to Afghanistan. By the way . I hope your not offended for me saying so, but you have a beautiful set of legs." The nun said "If you had looked a bit higher, you would have seen a great set of balls. I don't want to go to Aghanistan either."
Brent