The Joke Thread

[Glenn C]

...may have been an aussie coz you fellas all drive on the wrong side

[Spin_Drift]

A friend just got back from a ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the thingyles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over... The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.

So with time running out, she weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.

So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don't move.

Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.

Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them... and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" She asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said

"I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."


"So how'd you break your arm?"

.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't ! let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

[Spin_Drift]

Originally Posted by Kai Nui

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't ! let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Good one... Thanks...

.

[Connemara]

YouTube - SUV Accident - This is so Funny

This killed me when I first saw it. I was so convinced they were gonna roll it over and catch someone underneath. Then when it took off .....



Connemara

[Spin_Drift]

This is a bit long, but interesting to see how differently we really think...

.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner and again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine and without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself. -Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, -where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:... so that means it was... let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry...and I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. Gosh, I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damned warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....


"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so....."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what... and so... he figures, it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject off and on, for weeks, maybe months, -never reaching any definite conclusions but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving... frown... and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

.

[mmckee1952]

RAISIN Bread"
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread
behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the
raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the
very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having
company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what
was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty
soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,

"Is it raisin for you too?

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quivering'!!!

[mmckee1952]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!


Merry Christmas!!!!

[mmckee1952]

Sometimes it pays to be old


No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

[Brent Swain]

An old veteran was teaching kids how to shoot. A lady said "You are equiping them to be killers." The veteran said "Look lady, You are equipped to be a prostitute, but you aren't one, are you?"
Brent

[Brent Swain]

My brother was driving with his 5 year old daughter , who was learning to read. They drove by a McDonalds, and his daughter asked " Dad, What does 5 million survived mean?"
Brent

[mmckee1952]

Subject: Fwd: Blonde.. crying





A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'


The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

[mmckee1952]

Tim and Sway were out fishing one day on Gull lake. Sometime passes when Sway wants to light up his pipe, so being nice Sway moves to front of the the boat. Sway reaches in every pocket, pats his chest and can not find a lighter. He asks Tim "do you have a lighter." Tim says "I got one in my tackle box."

Sway finds the tackle box and starts to root though it and finds the biggest lighter he has ever seen. Tim, Tim, he say's "Thats the biggest light I have ever seen where did you get that." Tim says from my Genie. Sway says what the H** you don't have a Genie. Tim says "yes I do, I keep him right here in a Mason jar." Sway says "you are so full of crap Tim." Tim says "NO, NO, I really do have a Genie and he's old and cranky and hard of hearing just like you."

Tim then hands Sway the Mason jar and says 'see for yourself." Sway takes the lid off the jar and out comes the Genie. The Genie says to Sway in a grumpy old tone "So what do you want me to do for you." Sway says to Tim, "Tim, Tim there is a Genie here. Tim said I told you so, go ahead make a wish if you think I am full of crap.

Sway then says to the Genie, "I would like a million bucks." There is a rumble from over head and the sky turns dark. One duck after another starts to land on Gull lake. Before long the lake was thick with ducks so much so, you could walk to the shore on their backs. Sway say's what the H**, "I asked for a million bucks."

Tim say's I told you he was hard of hearing. You didn't think I asked for a 12 inch Bic did you?"

Del and Brent. Keep it civil. If you find a joke to be innappropriate for this forum, please report it. If you find it just distastful, please ignore it. And please, limit the political jokes.

[Charlie]

Dolly \Paroin and the Queen die on the same day. St Peter is at the Pearly Gates and says "I'm sorry but there is only one space left today. Tell me why we should let you in."

Dolly undoes her blouse and shows off her boobs. "God will like to see these most perfect creations that he made."

St Peter says, "I see your point."

The Queen asks for a bottle of Seltzer water. Swigs some in her mouth and then spits into the bowl and flushes the toilet. "You're right your Majesty. You get the last spot."

Dolly is most upset and asks St. Peter why she wasn't allowed in.

St Peter responds "Everyone knows a royal flush beats any pair."