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Old 24-05-2010, 20:22   #856
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him...a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Old 24-05-2010, 20:35   #857
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That's Bad.......and about 40 years old
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Old 24-05-2010, 20:59   #858
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The Three Little Pigs



Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.


'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy..

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.



'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.


'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.



'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'




You're gonna
LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says -




'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!



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Old 24-05-2010, 21:06   #859
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A SENIOR MOMENT - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client



Addendum from The Editor:



IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman.
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Old 25-05-2010, 08:23   #860
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Originally Posted by boatman61 View Post

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy..
Ok - I haven't been modded in a while so this may get me spanked...

A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

An ostrich sidles up and stands next to him and then a cat jumps up and sits on the other side..

Bartender comes up and says, "What'll it be"

The guy says, "I'll have a beer." The Ostrich says, "I'll have a beer" The cat says, "I'll have a beer and I ain't freakin' paying for it."

The bartender sets up the drinks and says, "That'll be $10.50" The guy reaches into his pocket and immediately drops a pile of change on the bar. The bartender counts it out and it is exactly $10.50.

The crew drinks their beers and when finished the bartender asks "Another round?"

The guy says, "I'll have a beer." The Ostrich says, "I'll have a beer" The cat says, "I'll have a beer and I ain't freakin' paying for it."

The bartender again sets up the drinks and says, "That'll be $10.50" The guy reaches into his pocket and immediately drops a pile of change on the bar. The bartender counts it out and it is exactly $10.50.

The crew again drinks their beers and when finished the bartender again asks "Another round?"

The guy says, "I'll have a beer." The Ostrich says, "I'll have a beer" The cat says, "I'll have a beer and I ain't freakin' paying for it."

The bartender is finally too curious and asks, "OK. What's the story here?"

The guy replies, "Well I got shipwrecked a few years ago. I was on this island for 2 years when I eventually came across a hidden cave. Inside the cave I found a lamp and when I rubbed it, sure enough a genie came out of it to grant me three wishes.

Well first I decided that whenever I bought something, anything at all, I would reach in my pocket and always have the exact money I needed."

"Cool." Said the barter. "Then what happened?"

"Well I had been on the island for quite a while, and as a result of a bit of communication error with the genie, for my last two wishes I got....

...A tall chick with long legs "and" a tight P*$$y."
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Old 25-05-2010, 11:04   #861
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Great thread .I could not sleep last night so this made entertaining reading.

My contribution :

Parsifal is an opera that starts at 6pm and when you look at your watch after 3 hours it shows you 6.20 pm.....


Patient : Doctor ,Doctor I have suicidal tendencies - what do I do ?
Doctor : Pay me now .


A woman walks up to a flower vendor in the street.

Woman : Excuse me ,how much are the violets ?
Vendor : One dollar 80.
Woman : One dollar 80 cents ? The guy down the road sells them for one dollar.
Vendor.: Well Ma'am,why don't you buy there?
Woman : Well he ran out .
Vendor : LADY, if I had run out , I would be selling them at a buck too...



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Old 26-05-2010, 18:55   #862
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John Black, defeated Member of Parliament for Midshire West, has a few words of advice for his successor. Skip related content
Dear Justin
You mentioned at the count last Thursday that you would appreciate it if I would pass on to you any unfinished casework so that you could get going on helping your new constituents straight away.
Most of the cases are self-explanatory but I hope you will find the background information on the following helpful.
I believe you met Mrs Osborne (43 Cleve Close) during the campaign.
She rang to tell me that you were a nice young man and that, since I had done nothing for her, she would be voting for you.
I have shredded everything before 2005; (the help with a hip replacement; £12,000 compensation from her bank and the resolution of a disagreement with the stair lift installers) and left only the ongoing issues.
If the new government extends pension credits, as she tells me it will, I am sure you will be able to get one for her.
If not, you may be more successful than I in convincing her that, with rental income from four houses, plus a holiday villa in Spain, she is not among the poorer pensioners the credits were intended to help.
Mr Harman (27 Crocombe Crescent) may be more difficult. He wants to know the whereabouts of his wife's mother, who owes him £57.
She emigrated to the US in 1984 and Mrs Harman says she died there in 1990 (and that they all went to her funeral).
I am glad to say that when Mr Harman wrote to the Speaker, the prime minister and the Queen to complain about my negligence in not accompanying him to the US to help him search, no action against me was thought appropriate. The £57 debt, however, is still causing him concern which he will want to share with you.
I know you have taken a strong stand against anti-social behaviour, so will be anxious to help Mrs Clegg (113 Dulverton Drive) who complains (often) about noise from her upstairs neighbour, Mr Brown.
He has laid thick carpet and listens to his music on headphones but he does walk around his flat on occasions, flushes the toilet when necessary and opens and closes his front door when he goes out to work. Mrs Clegg believes the council's noise monitoring equipment is faulty.
I expect Mr Clarke (12 Watchet Walk) will have been in touch already. I was successful in persuading his car manufacturer to install a new camshaft free of charge, despite the car being out of guarantee, but failed to get the change in the law that he wanted (manufacturers being obliged to replace all camshafts every two years free of charge).
All the other legislation he believes necessary is listed in a separate section and if you get the chance to propose a Private Member's Bill, it will be a rich source of ideas for you.
Briefly, (as the van to collect my files has just arrived) we have:
1. Mrs Cameron - upstairs neighbour spies at her through holes in the floor, which have not been found, despite careful searching. However, Mrs Cameron (and her budgie) can both see the neighbour's eyeball.
2. Mr May (57) wants visa for his wife (22).
UK authorities reluctant because neither speaks the other's language and they have met only once for the wedding.
3. Mrs Johnson son wrongly imprisoned for attacking a shop-keeper. Though "no angel", Jason was "only playing" and the CCTV footage of him hitting the man over the head with a baseball bat must be a fake as Jason does not play baseball.
No more time now, I'm off to the travel agent to book a trip to Australia to visit my son and grandchildren. I shall, of course, be very interested to hear of your success in solving all the problems which I, so dismally, failed to do.
Yours sincerely
John Black (former MP)
(As dictated to Rosemary Chamberlin).
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Old 26-05-2010, 19:34   #863
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Old 26-05-2010, 19:42   #864
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Am I missing something here?

The Joke?

Quote:
Originally Posted by boatman61 View Post
John Black, defeated Member of Parliament for Midshire West, has a few words of advice for his successor. Skip related content
Dear Justin
You mentioned at the count last Thursday that you would appreciate it if I would pass on to you any unfinished casework so that you could get going on helping your new constituents straight away.
Most of the cases are self-explanatory but I hope you will find the background information on the following helpful.
I believe you met Mrs Osborne (43 Cleve Close) during the campaign.
She rang to tell me that you were a nice young man and that, since I had done nothing for her, she would be voting for you.
I have shredded everything before 2005; (the help with a hip replacement; £12,000 compensation from her bank and the resolution of a disagreement with the stair lift installers) and left only the ongoing issues.
If the new government extends pension credits, as she tells me it will, I am sure you will be able to get one for her.
If not, you may be more successful than I in convincing her that, with rental income from four houses, plus a holiday villa in Spain, she is not among the poorer pensioners the credits were intended to help.
Mr Harman (27 Crocombe Crescent) may be more difficult. He wants to know the whereabouts of his wife's mother, who owes him £57.
She emigrated to the US in 1984 and Mrs Harman says she died there in 1990 (and that they all went to her funeral).
I am glad to say that when Mr Harman wrote to the Speaker, the prime minister and the Queen to complain about my negligence in not accompanying him to the US to help him search, no action against me was thought appropriate. The £57 debt, however, is still causing him concern which he will want to share with you.
I know you have taken a strong stand against anti-social behaviour, so will be anxious to help Mrs Clegg (113 Dulverton Drive) who complains (often) about noise from her upstairs neighbour, Mr Brown.
He has laid thick carpet and listens to his music on headphones but he does walk around his flat on occasions, flushes the toilet when necessary and opens and closes his front door when he goes out to work. Mrs Clegg believes the council's noise monitoring equipment is faulty.
I expect Mr Clarke (12 Watchet Walk) will have been in touch already. I was successful in persuading his car manufacturer to install a new camshaft free of charge, despite the car being out of guarantee, but failed to get the change in the law that he wanted (manufacturers being obliged to replace all camshafts every two years free of charge).
All the other legislation he believes necessary is listed in a separate section and if you get the chance to propose a Private Member's Bill, it will be a rich source of ideas for you.
Briefly, (as the van to collect my files has just arrived) we have:
1. Mrs Cameron - upstairs neighbour spies at her through holes in the floor, which have not been found, despite careful searching. However, Mrs Cameron (and her budgie) can both see the neighbour's eyeball.
2. Mr May (57) wants visa for his wife (22).
UK authorities reluctant because neither speaks the other's language and they have met only once for the wedding.
3. Mrs Johnson son wrongly imprisoned for attacking a shop-keeper. Though "no angel", Jason was "only playing" and the CCTV footage of him hitting the man over the head with a baseball bat must be a fake as Jason does not play baseball.
No more time now, I'm off to the travel agent to book a trip to Australia to visit my son and grandchildren. I shall, of course, be very interested to hear of your success in solving all the problems which I, so dismally, failed to do.
Yours sincerely
John Black (former MP)
(As dictated to Rosemary Chamberlin).
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Old 26-05-2010, 19:47   #865
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Sorry...
it was a Readers Digest moment... Lifes like that..
I thought it was hilarious... scrub it if it didn't raise a smile...

I think Hummingway saw the humour... I forgot the title of the article which was...

Your Welcome to the Constituents from Hell


Stuff it.. if you gorra explain... it aint funny..
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Old 26-05-2010, 20:07   #866
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The Joke?
Quote:
Originally Posted by boatman61 View Post
Sorry...
it was a Readers Digest moment... Lifes like that..
I thought it was hilarious... scrub it if it didn't raise a smile...
Nah. Chief thought it was so funny that he wanted to see it quoted in its entirety in his reply.
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Old 26-05-2010, 21:29   #867
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I think it's one of the funniest things ever posted to this thread, Boatman. I'll leave it to you and the rest of the members to decide if that's a compliment or not.

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Old 27-05-2010, 20:18   #868
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Leprechauns

Interviewer:
Is it true that the Irish people have a deeply seeded belief in Leprechauns?

Irishman:
Jesus, Joesph and Mary! There you go with the Leprechaun thing again. I am a reasoning man. Of course I don't believe in Leprechauns, but then again, I suppose they don't believe in me either!
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Old 28-05-2010, 15:30   #869
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**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**



**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**







**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**







**After a brief pause,**









**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**







**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**







Brief Pause.







**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**





**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**





**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**





**'I did it, Daddy.'**




**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**






**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**






**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**






**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**






**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**






**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**









*****Long Pause*****








*****Longer Pause*****









*****Even Longer Pause*****








**Then Daddy says,**







**'Swimming pool? ...........**






**Is this 0418833503?'*









*No, I think you have the wrong number.........

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Old 28-05-2010, 16:03   #870
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**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Incontinence Hotline.... can you hold.....'**
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