The Joke Thread

[GordMay]

This following poem is composed entirely of accurate quotes from George W. Bush.

Make the Pie Higher

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

Compiled by Richard Thompson

[sailorboy1]

George was a wise person man, I miss him!

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by Don Lucas

George was a wise person man, I miss him!

Hahahahaaa... thats the best joke I've heard for years...
Nice one Don Lucas....
Your De Man...

[sailingmonica]

International sign for marriage...

[fishwife]

This is brilliant

YouTube - Eddie Izzard- Death Star Canteen

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Hahahahaaa... thats the best joke I've heard for years...

That goes for all politicians AND for politics in general! The world could do better with less of them/it!

[David_Old_Jersey]

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the
apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor
and shout till midnight."

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied,
"Not really, I usually stay up and practice my trumpet every night anyway."

[David_Old_Jersey]

Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door
throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done
as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would
like a third, so will you please send someone to do something
about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools
to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

[boatman61]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help.

After six months, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sarah, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it and was immediately fired from his job.

Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickleslicer?"

Yossel tearfully replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[harmonytek]

TWENTY DOLLARS
> On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
> her husband readily agreed.
>
> This scenario was repeated each time they made
> love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
> Arriving home around noon one day, she was
> surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
> During the next few minutes, he explained that
> his employer was going through a process of corporate
> downsizing, and he had been let go.
>
> It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
> another position that paid anywhere near what
> he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
> Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
> showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they
> were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
> She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
> Faced with evidence of cash and investments
> worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
> I would have given you all my business!'
> That's when she shot him..
> You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
> to keep their mouths shut.

[boatman61]

When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.





An Alberta farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is your Dad home?"


"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."


"Well, is your Mother here?"


"No sir, she went to town with Dad."


"How about your brother Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[delmarrey]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -

Sinko De Mayo

[IdoraKeeper]

AARRRRGH! Del, put down that beer!

[NW Craig]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

[delmarrey]

A semi-nautical video...............

Seagull Steals From World's Laziest Cat