The Joke Thread

[daddle]

Thankfully those days are gone. Never to return. No joke.

[David_Old_Jersey]

My girlfriend moans a lot during sex.

Last night it was about the curtains.


------------------------------


Sadly I've just had to break up with my girlfriend for health reasons.

My wife found out and was gonna stab me.


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LADIES - If at first you don't succeed...........

Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

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My wife thinks I'm too critical.

Thats a fault of hers.

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Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.

It's called the iRon.

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[CalebD]

Ok, so...
At an upscale swimming, tennis and golf club 3 women are chatting while changing in the locker room. All of a sudden a naked man runs by with a towel over his head.
The first woman says: "Thank God that is not my husband."
The second woman says: "No. That is not your husband."
The third woman says: "He is not even a member of the club!"

rimshot

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by daddle

Thankfully those days are gone. Never to return. No joke.

I don't know about that.. back then I got paid twice as much as an office worker for producing exports... today office workers get paid 10+ times as much as me for producing a crisis...

[boatman61]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[boatman61]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestoneagain I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love toher all the next night, but ...
Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???


OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!


Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

[boatman61]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'.... I said "Tourettes..NowF*#k Off..

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ...... This is for the Christmas period only!


A cross-section survey of 1000 typical people in the UK ,
made up of:
Afghans,
Pakistanis,
Indians,
Poles,
Iraqis,
Somalis,
Nigerians
Angolans
Ghanians
Albanians,
Bosnians,
Turks,
Geordies,
Brummies,
Glaswegians and
Liverpudlians

were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99% said NO, they were happy with the Giro.

[sailingmonica]

How a real man uses Post-its

[Ex-Calif]

Here's the latest version...

[TaoJones]

* LOL * Oh, that is funny! Hard to read, but very funny.

TaoJones

[Chief Engineer]

is?????????????????

Originally Posted by boatman61

A cross-section survey of 1000 typical people in the UK ,
made up of:
Afghans,
Pakistanis,
Indians,
Poles,
Iraqis,
Somalis,
Nigerians
Angolans
Ghanians
Albanians,
Bosnians,
Turks,
Geordies,
Brummies,
Glaswegians and
Liverpudlians

were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99% said NO, they were happy with the Giro.

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by Chief Engineer

is?????????????????

[/CENTER]

Social Security check.....

[boatman61]

Parvinda and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Bolton.

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.00 a day

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign....


It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Parvinda and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Bolton.


Parvinder shows Habib his sign....


It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '

That's no joke! It would actually work!

[Chief Engineer]

Corner Begging is big bidness in these parts.........

Except when Jerry's Kids, or the Cheerleaders, VFD, get the permits for particular weekends.

I aggravates the ^%&$ to see Firefighters begging for $$$

Two of my nephews are FF and they agree with me.