The Joke Thread

[sailingmonica]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

[GordMay]

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:


10th- "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th- "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th- "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th- "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th- "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th- "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th- "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd- "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd- "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND...drum roll please ...

The
Number 1most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

[anjou]

Originally Posted by FrankZ

While we are mostly adults here we do have the possibilties of younger people on board, or just those that are more sensitive to certain types of jokes. It would be appreciated if we could tone the color down a little.

Thank you.

No worries Frank, but does that mean its still ok to tell Caucasian racist jokes?

[anjou]

Shamus is contemplating his forthcoming 18th birthday and decides its time to leave the bog and head off to Dublin to seek his fortune. Before he goes, he calls at the church to see the holy father for a blessing.
The priest blesses Shamus and offers him some advice.
'Dublin is a big mysterious place my son, its full of sin and dangers'
'They have gambling halls there where you can lose all yer money'
'They have wild women who will give ya all the nasty diseases'
'And they have roads that are so wide, ya cannot cross safely without the help of the traffic lights'
'When you see the red light, its like the eyes of the devil and its not safe to cross'
'When ya see the green, its the sign for good Irish catholics to cross the road '

Shamus goes off to Dublin and makes his fortune. One day he makes a visit to see the folks back home and calls at the church to see the priest.
'How did ya get on my son?'
'Well father, i remembered all the good advice ya told me about the gambling and about the women, and Yous were so right about them roads'.
'Them traffic lights were a great help too'
'I remembered what you said about the red being the sign for danger like devils eyes, and about the emerald green being safe for catholics to cross the road, but ya never told me about the flashing amber light'

'It sure as hell doesnt give them damn protestants much time to get across the road'

[anjou]

A yanky tourist is driving round Ireland in his Cadilac and loses his way. He stops to ask directions to Dublin from a bog hopper.

'Say fella, how far is it to Dublin?'

'Well sir, its about 25 miles, but ya could do it in 10 in a car like that'

[mickmul]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the
woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[boatman61]

The year is 1876 and two Afghan tribesmen are sitting guard on a hillside by the entrance to the Khyber Pass.
One turns to the other and says "Sikunder.. is that dust I see on the horizon"... Sikunder stares hard into the distance.. after a few minutes he confirms that its definitely a dust cloud...
"Sikunder.. should I run and warn Ahmed Shah the British are coming...?"
"Wait a while brother.. lets see if we can learn more about them first" replied Sikunder.
For the next three hours they watched the dust cloud approach... then Sikunder said "Bismillah.. they have their black hair piled high on their heads and fearsome black and red beards... and that screeching noise chills the heart... what can these people be".
Suddenly his friend says.. "Sikunder... I don't believe it.. they are wearing short dresses and their legs are covered with hair... its horrible"
"Ahhh" Sikunder replies.. "I have heard of these strange people.. Run fast and tell Ahmed Shah that the famous 'Middlesex Regiment' is coming...."

[sailingmonica]

Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick

[boatman61]

Man gets a job as a travelling salesman... after being away all week he gets home late Friday evening and after hugging and kissing his wife he asks how her week was... "Darling I was terribly lonely" she replied.
The next morning he went down town to a pet shop and bought her a little Yorkshire Terrier... "Here you are Honey" he said when he got home..
"Some company for you while I'm away during the week".
The next Friday he returns and asks how she was.. "Darling I'm exhausted" the wife said.."That damn dog starts barking at the slightest noise.. all day, all night.. its got to go". The husband takes the dog back to the shop and asks if there's anything else the proprietor can suggest..
"How about a Parrot" the owners says... "Wow, I didn't think of that.." said the husband, and then proceeded to check out the parrots in the shop... after awhile he says.."Man.. all these birds do is say 'Pretty Polly' or 'Polly wants a cracker'.. have you nothing smarter..?"
The owner thought a moment then said "Well I have another bird out back but I should warn you he's deformed... he has no legs.. but he's real smart". They go to the back of the shop and there's a Cockatoo swinging on his perch.."I thought you said he had no legs" the husband said..
"He doesn't.. but he has a long dick that he curls round the perch to hold his balance.. I told you he's smart".. smirked the shop owner.
After asking the bird a few simple questions the husband decided the bird was ideal, paid the price and took him home to his wife... she loved it.
A couple of weeks go by then one Friday night when Hubby gets home he walks up to the Cockatoo and says "Hiya Charlie.. how was the week.."
"Ok" Charlie replied.."Tuesday the Baker came, this morning the milkman came again".. The husband chuckled and replied.. "Charlie I've told you before, its normal, they deliver every week". Charlie tilted his head to one side and said "Maybe but this time Milkman came into the lounge... and.."
"And what..?" interrupted the husband... "Well" said Charlie, "Him and your wife started kissing n cuddling... then he took of her blouse.."
"What..?" exclaimed the husband "He didn't"... "Oh yes he did" replied the bird. An extremely agitated the husband said "My God Charlie... what happened next". The bird ruffled his feathers and tilted his head back and forth a few times then said "Well he started nibbling her nipples then threw her down on the settee and pulled her skirt and panties off then dropped his trousers"... "Oh Jeez" the man cried "This cant be true..
Please Charlie.. tell me its not true..." The bird ruffled his feathers, had a **** but stayed silent... "Charlie, Charlie" the man begged "Tell me nothing else happened please.. tell me she did not go all the way.."
Charlie made a sound of disgust and replied "Mate I cannot tell you what happened next"... The man, now in deepest despair said "Charlie don't spare my feelings.. I need to know.. tell me what you saw I beg you"..
Charlie tilted his head to the left and staring into the middle distance said.. "Look mate.. she was on the couch naked, he moved to lay on her... that's all I Know.." "Charlie why cant you say more.." the man said..
"Because" Charlie replied "I got an erection and fell off the bloody perch"

[S/V_Surya]

A Cajun walks into a bar with

A pet alligator by his side.





He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his

Mouth for one minute.

"Then he'll open his mouth

And I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this

Spectacle,Each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar,

Dropped his trousers,

And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth

As the crowd gasped.

After a minute,

The man grabbed a beer

bottle and smacked the

Alligator hard on the top ofits head.




The gator opened his mouthaAnd the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.




The crowd cheered, and the first of his freeb drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........

I'll try it -

Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle

[anjou]

Down in Cornwall there is a comedian called Jethro. Hes a good ol boy, a bit thick but a damn good laugh. Jethro has a mate called Denzil Penberthy who is the village idiot.

One monday, Denzil gets to work and the lads see hes got a black eye.
'Bloody hell boy, whats been happenin to you' asks Jethro
'Well it was like this see, yesterday I went to church and just in front of me was that new barmaid from the pub'.
'When we stood up to sing, I noticed that her dress was tucked into the crack of her ass, so I leaned forward and gave it a tug'
'Thats when she turned round and hit me'

Next week on Monday morning, Denzil turns up at work with another black eye.
'Bloody hell boy, what the hell you been doin this time'?
'Well what it was see' says Denzil, 'I went to church and sat behind that barmaid again'. 'When we stood up to sing I noticed that her dress wasnt tucked between the cheeks of her ass, and being as she didnt like me pulling it out last week, I tucked it back in for her.'

'Thats when she turned round and hit me again'

[anjou]

Jethro and Denzil went out in Penzance one night on the ale and drank so much they missed the last bus home to St Just.
Jethro says 'Lets go down the bus depot and borrow a bus to drive us home in'
When they get there, its all locked up with the busses in the yard.

'Tell you what boy' says Jethro, 'You go inside and get a bus while I keep a lookout'
Denzil goes in and its 20 minutes before he reappears driving a bus.
'Where the bloody hell you been boy?' asks Jethro

'Ah well, I had to move some busses round to get to the St Just one which was parked right at the back'

[boatman61]

Three men are drinking in a bar and start to talk about the things they'd done with their women the previous night .
The Italian says: " I massaged my little angel with a fine oil last night then we made passionate love and she screamed for five minutes.."
The Frenchman, not to be outdone, says: " I also massaged my woman all over her body, with a special aphrodisiac oil and later we made love. She cried out for over 15 minutes of wild sex".
"Ehh" says the Portuguese guy... "That's nothing, I massaged mine all over with a special butter and acariciei. afterwards we made love and she screamed for 2 hours".
The Italian and the Frenchman are amazed, "Two hours! That's phenomenal, what were you doing to make her scream for so long.......?"
Raising his eyes to the ceiling the Portuguese guy replied... "I wiped my hands clean on the curtains..."

[kredix]

how many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

10...one to screw it in and 9 to experience it!

[Brent Swain]

How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten. One to screw it in, and nine to promote it as the greatest event in Canadian history