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Old 02-03-2010, 18:16   #751
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OLE & THE RUSSIAN




A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.



Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.



Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.



As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.



Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.



The crowd went crazy.. The coach was astounded.



When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"



Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose, so wid my last ounce of strenth I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."



So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"



"Vell, not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"



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Old 03-03-2010, 05:12   #752
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I think I just better leave my "would I?, would I?!!" joke outta the mix at this point...
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Old 03-03-2010, 06:20   #753
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I think I just better leave my "would I?, would I?!!" joke outta the mix at this point...
Hairlip! Hairlip!
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Old 03-03-2010, 06:38   #754
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A plane on a secret mission crashed in the desert and all were killed except an Englishman, Irishman and a Scottsman.

The Englishman took control of the situation and explained that due to the secret nature of the mission, no one would be looking for them and so they had to walk back to base.
'I say now chaps, we have no chance of rescue and not much water'. 'Some of us will die here and I suggest who ever is left alive, he should bury the dead face down in the sand so the buzzards dont peck their eyes out'

They walk for several days and water runs out. Soon the Scottsman dies and the other two bury him face down so the buzzards cant peck his eyes out.
Charles and Paddy walk on another two days and then Charles dies and so Paddy buries him face down in the sand so the buzzards cant peck his eyes out.

Paddy walks for another day and suddenly realises when he dies, there is no one left to bury him face down so the buzzards cant peck his eyes out. He has a good idea. He digs a hole and jumps in face down and flicks sand over himself, but his ass is left sticking out of the sand.

An arab comes trotting past on his camel and spots Paddys ass sticking out of the sand.
'Oh my' he thinks to himself rather camply, 'They are growing wild out here, I think im gonna just help myself' and proceeds to hump Paddys ass.

Paddy shouts, 'You can peck and peck as hard as you like but your not getting my eyes'
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Old 03-03-2010, 06:44   #755
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Hairlip! Hairlip!
thats the one...
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:03   #756
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Joe had been having the most awfull headaches which no asprins could stop, so he visited his Doctor.
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.'








He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - 400
New shirt - 36
New underwear - 6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:15   #757
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On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.AtLlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,


'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'


The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king'
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:21   #758
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March 4th...

I like today's date because it sounds like I'm telling people what to do.
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:22   #759
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Before I go away on business, I like to put an old mobile phone on vibrate and gaffa tape it to the bedroom window.

Then I ring it at random times in the early hours of the morning to make the wife think someone is trying to break in.
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Old 04-03-2010, 12:54   #760
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A lady walks into Harrods. She looks
around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously
to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare
materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!


Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like
Harrods.


He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price ofthis lovely bracelet?'


He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"


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Old 04-03-2010, 13:00   #761
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Job at the FBI


The FBI had an opening for an assassin .
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.





For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the f # ckingchair.'





MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
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Old 04-03-2010, 13:21   #762
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A man becomes fed up with his wife and decides it would be better if she was dead, so he looks in yellow pages for a contract killer.
He phones one guy and tells him the problems.

'Im Arty to my friends' says the killer, 'And I know just how you feel, it happened to me and thats how I got into this line of work.'
The man asks how much Arty charges for a killing.
'Tell you what' says Arty, ' Ive taken pity on you so I will do it for just a quid'

'Great' says the guy, 'I dont have a photo of the wife to show you, but she always shops in Tescos on a thursday and she wears a red coat and white blouse'

On Thursday, Arty goes into Tescos and hangs out waiting for the mans wife. Then he spots a woman wearing a red coat and he aproaches her from behind and strangles her with a length of rope. She falls to the floor and to Artys horror, he sees shes wearing a black blouse. He quickly rushes round the shop and sees another woman wearing a red coat. He approaches her from behind and strangles her with the rope.

Then the security guard sees Arty and apprehends him.

Next week in the newspapers it says.

Artichokes, 2 for a pound in Tescos.
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Old 04-03-2010, 14:57   #763
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So, while cruising at a beautiful anchorage, our son caught a large lobster... which was to be our dinner. While walking down the beach with his prized catch, he is caught by the officials... it was illegal for him to take a lobster, and was going to have to pay a fine in addition to having the lobster confiscated.

"Oh, No Sir!!" our son replied... stating that the lobster was really a pet... and that twice a day he brings the lobster ashore. He throws it into the water to let it swim a bit, then the lobster comes right back... and they return to our boat.

The official was skeptical and said "OK, let me see how that lobster swims and comes back." So, our son throws the lobster into the bay. In a few minutes, the official asks "so, where's the lobster?.... I thought you said he would come right back."

Our son replied: "What lobster?"
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Old 04-03-2010, 17:58   #764
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While we are mostly adults here we do have the possibilties of younger people on board, or just those that are more sensitive to certain types of jokes. It would be appreciated if we could tone the color down a little.

Thank you.
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Old 04-03-2010, 19:30   #765
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I had a blind date once...

It didnt work out though...

I took her to a silent movie
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