The Joke Thread

[Spin_Drift]

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[Spin_Drift]

One of my favorites from NZ...

Video of NZToyotaAd - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

[Spin_Drift]

Video of Dogone prison break - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

[Dune]

A landlubber was walking along a California beach on a recent afternoon, when he noticed an old bottle washed up on the shore. Picking it up he brushed off the sand and in doing so out popped a genie.
The lubber was anxious to receive his obligatory 3 wishes, but the genie proceeded to tell him that he was having a tough time in the current economy and could only grant one wish.
The man thought for a bit and said “I have always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I am deathly afraid of flying, so taking a plane is not an option for me. I am also terrified of the water so taking a boat is out of the question. My wish is that you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there.”
The genie once again explained his current financial crisis. “With the rising cost of building materials, labor, and engineering involved, I can’t possibly comply with your wish. I promise if you pick another wish I will make it so.” the genie said.
The man thought for a minute and said, “Okay, I too have suffered in this economy and can certainly understand you plight. My other wish is this. I have always wanted to be able to understand the mystery that is the female of the species. I want to understand women. That is my wish.”
A look of despair came over the face of the genie as he said…
“Do you want that bridge 2 lanes or 4?”

[mmckee1952]

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son ... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT ... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:
PRICELESS !

[James S]

She said
Fresh from the shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your
Breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood In front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?", I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the Years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

[dacust]

I apologize for the all-caps, but it's a cut-n-paste and I just didn't feel like fixing it. -dan

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD"?

WELL, MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1963. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD HEADED,
WRINKLED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT OLD MAN, ASKED,




"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[delmarrey]

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."

So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"


So she swam back.

[Chief Engineer]

Originally Posted by James S

She said
Fresh from the shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your
Breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood In front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?", I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the Years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

was found not guilty of murder by a jury of her peers.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' I'm four and a half!' you're never thirty-six and a half. you're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

And your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.' I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

[Spin_Drift]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move and put the house up for sale.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the Moving company pack everything to take to their new home,including the curtain rods.


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[Brent Swain]

A republican was stopped by a cop for eratic driving . The cop asked "Do you have any ID?" the republican said "About what?"
Brent

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Brent Swain

A republican was stopped by a cop for eratic driving . The cop asked "Do you have any ID?" the republican said "About what?"
Brent

A Republican?

Are you sure it wasn't an immigrant?

[Brent Swain]

[quote=delmarrey;232432]A Republican?

I've been informed that it's OK to trash immigrants here, but not rednecks.
Brent

[delmarrey]

[quote=Brent Swain;233973]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

A Republican?

I've been informed that it's OK to trash immigrants here, but not rednecks.
Brent

Rednecks are someone that copy jokes and change them to fit an agenda.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ...