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Old 05-02-2010, 00:12   #676
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A little boy went up to his father and asked :
" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "

His father replied :

" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,

because I still have mine. "


**************



John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "


The mother wrote back the next day :

" If you find a solution, please advise. I'm facing the same problem with his father !

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Old 05-02-2010, 04:22   #677
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A real Joke

once opon a time ,in a land down under. it was sooo very dry , but government told the people who lived in the city, no you carnt have tanks to catch the rainwater . why they said ? because your roofs are dirty and you'll get sick. so you must watch it run down the road and into the sea...... years pass......
government tells people , we are out of water! but we have had an idea!.... build a 5 billion dollar desalination factory.
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Old 05-02-2010, 05:45   #678
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WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Lord (Mandy) Mandelson are sitting in a pub. A bloke walks in and asks the landlord, 'Isn't that Brown and Mandy sitting over there?'

The Landlord says, “Yes, that's them.”

So the bloke walks over and says, “What are you two doing in here? Shouldn’t you be in London fixing the economy?”

Brown says, “ No! We're doing a much more important job. We’re planning World War III.'

The bloke says, “Really? What's going to happen?”

Mandy says, “Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big knockers.”

The bloke exclaimed, “A blonde with big knockers?


Why kill a blonde with big knockers?”

Mandy turns to Brown and says, “See! I told you. No one will give a s**t about the 140 million Muslims.”

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Old 05-02-2010, 05:49   #679
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Being in a crash

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
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Old 05-02-2010, 07:47   #680
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Dr. Epstein...

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall!

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never intending to be seen in his home town again.

However, decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. He just knew no one would remember him.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but to tell you the truth an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems
embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident, too. No one would ever remember something that happened many years ago"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?" asked the clerk

"Yes, many years." replied the good doctor.

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
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Old 05-02-2010, 08:53   #681
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NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS for 2010 and beyond.

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.


CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.


BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.


BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no lovin'.


VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.


MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.


PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
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Old 05-02-2010, 09:23   #682
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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray.. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I Don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me Win the lottery."


Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.


Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.


PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.....






"Sweetheart, work with Me on this...... Buy a ticket."

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Old 06-02-2010, 00:31   #683
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if Adam and Eve were chinese
we would still be in Paradise....
because they would have eaten the snake
instead of the bloody apple !!
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Old 08-02-2010, 06:17   #684
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Puppies

Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"
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Old 08-02-2010, 23:45   #685
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Big Talent

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Will you give me a drink if I show you something amazing?" The bartender says, "It'll have to be good." The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog, sits him down at the piano and the frog begins to play hot jazz. "That's amazing, " exclaims the bartender and gives him a drink. After he finishes the drink the drunk says, "If I show you something else amazing can I have another?" "Buddy, show me something else like that and you can drink all night for free!". The drunk pulls a mouse out of his pocket and the mouse starts to scat sing along with the frog! The bartender sets the bottle in front of the drunk and says, "Have at 'er". Sometime later a talent scout walks in and hers the dou at the piano and immediately asks the bartender who owns the rights to that act. He gestures to the drunik passed out on the floor. "Hey buddy, wake up. I'll give you 100k for the rights to that act", he says. The drunk shakes his head no. "OK, I'll give you 50k for the mouse alone." The drunk tells him he has a deal. The scout whips out his check book and the deal is done, grabs his mouse and leaves. "Fella, you just broke up a million dollar act!", syas the tender. "Ah, don't worry about it friend", says the drunk, "The frog is a ventrilliquist."
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Old 10-02-2010, 00:51   #686
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Snail mail

A man answers a knock at the door and sees nothing but a snail on the step. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can, closes the door and goes back in.
Three years later there's aother knock on the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the step. The snail says "What was up with that?"
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Old 10-02-2010, 09:50   #687
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I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin

from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her

crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!



I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel

sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive

myself.



Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be

distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.



A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.

" Holy F..k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking

my thumb...!!



Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"

Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind

roight now."



*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The

girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping,

drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook,

had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never

farted upon. The End.



Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes

to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F..k Off". Anyone

who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!





Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast

speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her

gob shut.



Turned on my Sat Nav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How

good is that?



I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you

could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm

f..king having that!"



Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a

farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b '

stard, you're in that feckin basket!"



Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials

999.

Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is

dead?"

CLICK,BANG

Paddy "OK, done that, what next?







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Old 10-02-2010, 10:07   #688
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings, social security, retirement funds, etc......I called Lifeline.





Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.........................



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Old 17-02-2010, 11:45   #689
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Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.


I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.


A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn snake


with two frogs in his mouth.
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Old 20-02-2010, 20:44   #690
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I am thinking aboot quitting my day job...take this material and go on the road...

No more bruises, no more bangs.....

on second thought.....
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