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Old 27-01-2010, 03:32   #661
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Closing argument

In the defenseís closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didnít."
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Old 27-01-2010, 13:32   #662
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Luigi's Restaurant

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigiís Restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigiís Restaurant because the food and the wine selection there is very good.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigiís Restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigiís Restaurant because the establishment is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigiís Restaurant since they have never been there before.
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Old 28-01-2010, 05:20   #663
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Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you,"
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?"
He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
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Old 28-01-2010, 05:40   #664
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Viagra.

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.
"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"
The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?"
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Old 29-01-2010, 11:05   #665
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An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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Old 29-01-2010, 11:12   #666
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Good one Anjou
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Old 29-01-2010, 12:01   #667
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Last time it was posted it was an old sailor in a bar. Must be sailors hang out in bars and pilots hang out at Starbucks.
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:59   #668
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Drinkin' and Drivin' in Newfoundland

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving
down the road drinking a couple of beers.
The passenger, Harry, suddenly said,'Lord
tundering... up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' dese here
beers!!'

'Don't worry,' Archie said. 'We'll just pull over
and finish dese beers, then peel off the label,
stick it on our foreheads, and trow the bottles
under the seat.'
'What fer?'
'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers, threw the empties
out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'
'No sir,' said Archie, pointing at the labels. 'We're
on the patch.'
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:03   #669
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Monkey business

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving," motioned the monkey
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Old 04-02-2010, 14:09   #670
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Blair and Bush have teamed up one more time to make even more money out of us. They are bringing out a perfume. Its called Denial
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Old 04-02-2010, 20:38   #671
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anjou View Post
Blair and Bush have teamed up one more time to make even more money out of us. They are bringing out a perfume. Its called Denial
Too political! No humor!
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Old 04-02-2010, 23:45   #672
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During a recent password audit in a company - it was found that a Blond female employee was using the following password:
MickieBarbiePlutoHueyLouieSnowwhiteDonaldGoofyWashingtonDC

When asked why such a long password - she said she was told it had to be 8 characters and include at least one capital...
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Old 05-02-2010, 00:01   #673
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What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything !! "

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Old 05-02-2010, 00:03   #674
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What's the difference between people
who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.
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Old 05-02-2010, 00:04   #675
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When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,



so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness
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