The Joke Thread

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by AKCoastie

Umm...we don't say hoo-haa it's hoorah pronounced oorah. A hoo-haa is the name for a woman's mysterious lady parts.

What can I say? I'm a pilot. That's why I know the square root of 12 is 4...

(I also doubt "real" marines call mysterious lady parts hoo-haa)

[AKCoastie]

Ha Just trying to keep it PG.

[Chief Engineer]

And as the the instructor was instructing the recruits made an acknowleging sound like "OOOOORR!"

That really sounds moronic......

Originally Posted by AKCoastie

Umm...we don't say hoo-haa it's hoorah pronounced oorah. A hoo-haa is the name for a woman's mysterious lady parts.

Originally Posted by Canibul

I was informed that the correct pronunciation was originally " Whoo-Ahh..." wthout an R at all. And that subsequent versions are mis-interpretations of the original.

I was also told that the original derivation is from H.U.A. for 'Heard, Understood, Acknowledged.'

That's what I was told.

But you know how SEALs will pull your leg.

Originally Posted by AKCoastie

Ha Just trying to keep it PG.

[LtBrett]

In one of my duty stations, I was a drill instructor in the Navy. As such, I worked closely with many USMC DI's and can report that the most common pronunciation was oo-rah, but there were plenty of acceptable variants based on region and DI preference. Some were similar to oorah like ooyah and hooyah. Some were truncated to just ooo, pronounced sort of like a seal's bark. Never heard hoo-ha, except in reference to the piece of anatomy no recruit would see for a while.

Brett

[anjou]

What do you call an Indian with a crossbow?

William Patel

[Blue Stocking]

Originally Posted by anjou

What do you call an Indian with a crossbow?

William Patel

I would call him Kemo Sabey-- and duck

[anjou]

Originally Posted by Blue Stocking

I would call him Kemo Sabey-- and duck

Nooooo, not an American Indian.
Patel is a Hindu name.

[sbenest]

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

[Simes]

A young recruit to the Army, while in basic training his mother dies. The Company CO tells the Sargent to break the news to the recruit. Out on the parade ground the Sargent shouts out "Private Smith, your Mother is dead" Smith falls to the ground in a heap. Takes him weeks to get over the shock. Toward the end of basic training Smiths father dies. Again the CO tells the Sargent to break the news, but gently this time.
Out on the parade ground the Sargent calls out "All those with Fathers One Step Forward . . . . . Smith Where Are You Going?"

[S/V_Surya]

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there..

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!

[sbenest]

A Lubbers Dictionary.

CHART /
A large piece of paper that is useful in protecting cabin and cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains

[S/V_Surya]

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh.....it is all true.


Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4.People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8.You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

10.You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14.Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.




And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[sbenest]

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1.
IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2.
ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3.
LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4.
THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5.
SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6.
SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.


7
MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE REDSEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS



8,
THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNTCYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9.
THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.


10..
THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.


11.
MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THEBATTLEOF GERITOL.


12.
THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13.
DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14.
SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15.
WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.


16.
WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.


17.
JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18.
ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19.
JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20.
IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21.
THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22.
THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23.
ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24.
ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25..
CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[Springbok]

OK now lets be fair and do the same with the Koran

[sbenest]

Might have to do some research for that!