The Joke Thread

[Arcen]

Originally Posted by sailingmonica

Dihydrogen Monoxide is another name for water, deriving from Latin (two hydrogen one oxygen) and referring to the chemical composition of water (as each mollecule of water is made of two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen). The joke is that on several occassions people and organizations made fools out of themselves by signing petitions to ban the substance.

Exactly!
All the facts listed on the page are true..
From the FAQ...

• Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.
• Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
• Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.
• DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
• Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
• Contributes to soil erosion.
• Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
• Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
• Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
• Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks.
• Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S.
• Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect.

Its an exercise in critical reading, how bad science gets passed into law, people taking the internet at face value, etc.

A prof gave this to his biology students for a reading assignment once.
Here are some responses.

[mmckee1952]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has
had no
lessons, nor prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately
springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to
slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to
get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down
the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup,
she is now at
the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the
ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune.... Mike, the
Walmart greeter, sees
her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[S/V_Surya]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1½ (1.5) gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said,……………………………..


"No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.

[kindredspirit]

And this little boy was standing on the pontoon with his parents and he looks up at his mother and says "Mummy, what'll I be when I grow up?"

"Don't be silly" says his mother "Little boys never grow up!"

[Chief Engineer]

Did I post the joke with the punchline...

"Face it kid some people can tell a joke some can't" ?

[onremlop]

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Guy is sitting at a bar and an anemone floats in. The anemone says, "Hey bartender, get that guy down there a beer and put it on my tab." The guy says, "hey, with anemone's like you, who needs friends?"

Two pieces of rope are walking down the street and one says, "let's go into this bar and get a beer." The other says, "read the sign, it says No Ropes Allowed." So one piece of rope twists his middle and messes up his ends and they go in. The bartender says to the first one, "we don't serve rope in here, get out." Turns to the second one and says, "aren't you a piece of rope?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A mushroom goes into a bar and orders a beer and the bartender says, "we don't serve mushrooms in here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

[Sea Wolf]

"Here's my concern:
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow.....Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird.....Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig .... swineflu.
Next year is the year of the cock .........Anybody else worried?"

[Sea Wolf]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-i n-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started. …

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started. ... .

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.. …

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started. ...

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $10.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $24.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started. ...

[Chief Engineer]

Arghhhhh now that ther's funny!!!!!
and then the fight started.

[Amherstclane]

Talk like a frog

A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, "grandpa, talk like a frog."

The Grandpa replied "What?, I'm not going to talk like a frog!"

The little boy again asked, "come on, Grandpa talk like a frog please."

Grandpa again said "No! Go bother your grandmother."

The little boy finally gave up and left.

A little while later the little boy's sister came in and said "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?"

Grandpa of course replied, "NO!"

The little girl then said "Please grandpa will you talk just like a frog"?

Grandpa was very disturbed by now and said, "what is it with you and your brother, why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?"

The little girl looked at her grandpa and said "Well last night daddy told us that when you croak we are going to go to Disney World.

[Canibul]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.

[David_Old_Jersey]

It's a man thing

1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, you think I can’t whittle.

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you’re a legend.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt”. “Nah”.

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. “Big night?” Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”, it says, “but someone’s got to keep the little scrotes in line”.

11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE… and everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn’t know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying “are you a leg or breast man” to the blokes and “do you want stuffing” to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we’ll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. “alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. Seeya.”

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn’t make a fuss. “Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage”.

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - “a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?”

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that’s right, i’m going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A C*NT - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man’s way of saying “you’re a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital”.

[Christian Van H]

What language was the last post in?

[Chief Engineer]

ring spanners, prickers, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash.

Originally Posted by Christian Van H

What language was the last post in?

[Canibul]

Spotted Dick, getting knocked up in the morning, and Mole Grips.